Abraham's birth story // Part one

This pregnancy was so different. I had learned so much and was a lot more informed about pregnancy and birthing. My whole heart and soul wanted to have this baby naturally.

Disclaimer: If you are preparing for your own natural birth, I would advise you not to read your story. You deserve to be surrounded by positivity and faith, not fear! Soon you will have your own wonderful story to tell. :)

I'm going to talk more about why I so desired to have a natural birth in another post, for now I'm just going to tell the story.

My due date came and went (Tuesday, February 4). Then the next day, then the next. Before I knew it, it was Thursday of the next week and I was at my "post-dates" appointment that I NEVER thought I'd make it to! They did a non-stress test and everything was normal. I refused the ultrasound (sufficient research that it is safe has not been done) and I did not feel it was necessary. A normal pregnancy is up to 42 weeks, and I was not there yet, so I found no need to "check fluid levels" etc. I was extremely peaceful about my the health of my baby (I attribute much of that to my Hypnobabies preparation/Joyful Pregnancy Affirmations). I was relatively unconcerned about the possibility of complications and was confident that he would come in his own due time. Since the midwives I saw were still under hospital reign, they would only allow me to go to 42 weeks. My induction was scheduled for the following Tuesday. I kept waiting thinking he would come "any day now." Well Saturday came (41 weeks and 4 days) and I was really starting to worry. My induction date was only a couple days away. I really wanted him to come when he was ready, but I knew I had to try something. I so badly wanted him to come naturally and not be induced. My midwife had suggested nipple stimulation and after doing some of my own research, I found that to be the best option.

Went to the beautiful temple on my due date. It was incredibly freezing that day.

Saturday night I did that in combination with walking. I took our big red wagon across the street and took Jude and Trace on a walk around their neighborhood. My friends were teasing me about being so pregnant and taking these two boys on a wagon ride. I put Jude to bed that night and we had a precious time together. I did a blog post about how priceless our time was and my joy in being a mother. I had been wanting to do a blog post about Jude and my love for him and my overall feelings before the baby was born and I felt content once I wrote that. I had also been wanting to watch the movie, Ephraim's Rescue, for weeks in order to "pump me up" and inspire me for my birthing time. The movie depicts the story of my fourth great-grandmother, Elizabeth Simpson Bradshaw, and I am extremely inspired by her faith and draw strength from her often. I had wanted to watch it right before I went into labor. I decided that night was a good night, so my mom, Dan, and I put it on. A couple times during the movie I said, "I just felt a pressure wave type thing, but don't get too excited, it was probably nothing..." And that was that. I got my cup full of ice and went to bed. I don't remember doing this, but I had downloaded a contraction timer app and just now as I look back on it, it showed my "waves" lasting over a minute and about 2-5 minutes apart. But I had learned not to get my hopes up, so I didn't.

Jude was getting over a respiratory illness so he had been waking up in the night. I heard him crying at 5:00 so I brought him some milk and we laid together (heaven). I got back in bed but couldn't fall asleep. (It gets kind of blurry from here on out...) I was feeling some lower uterine "pressure waves"/pain. They weren't too bad at first. I walked around my very small space upstairs trying to stay comfortable. By 7:00 am they were starting to get pretty uncomfortable. I started clattering around the room inconspicuously trying to wake Dan up (without really waking him up). I just thought if I was feeling this uncomfortable he should know about it. I got in bed with him and he must have calmed me down because the contractions became difficult to determine and less uncomfortable. I got up, not wanting my labor to stop or slow down. After a little while, we decided to go on a walk outside. It was a beautiful, cool, quiet Sunday morning. I walked downstairs in my classic blue moo moo and my mom woke up. I told her nothing was going on. (Denial?) After Dan finally found his sweatshirt, we started our walk. I had been timing them with the app but we decided to leave it at home and just enjoy our walk. We were texting our doula and she wanted a more accurate count so Dan ran back and got it. They were lasting about 40 seconds and 3 minutes apart. Our regular doula had illness in her family and informed us, I think the night before, that she wouldn't be able to come if I had the baby in the next couple days. I had been texting her over the past couple days and did again this morning. She told me to call my back-up doula but I wouldn't. (Denial, still?!) While on our walk, the back-up doula, called me and just wanted to get a feel for how things were going. We walked and talked. She wasn't totally convinced I was in labor and we wanted to time things more accurately. At the end of our conversation, she told me to call her back when I was having a contraction so she could talk to me through it and hear me/get a feel for how I was doing. I told her she just did. I guess I was coping pretty well at that point. But I would have been a little too bamboozled if that wasn't "it!"

They were getting more intense, lasting about a minute and coming every 1-2 minutes. We went back home and my mom was getting up. I so kindly said, "You better get dressed if you want to come." (Sorry, Mom!) I was really feeling them at this point. I remember leaning up against the kitchen table and pacing around. Then I threw up. Dan started making the calls: the midwife, the doula, the babysitter, the hospital. There was some issue with the midwives answering service and it went to an automated answering machine. Dan left a message, unsure if it went through/to whom. I decided to go upstairs and get in the tub. I had a friend who swore that a hot bath was as effective as an epidural, if not more, and I did not want this labor to go by without trying itI I got in the hot bath and was so relaxed. My friend was right. That works. It was incredibly relaxing. The contractions were almost completely obliterated.  Between the altered state of mind I was in and the relaxing bath, I fell asleep for who knows how long. I remember worrying that my labor was going to stop because I could barely feel the contractions anymore. My mom came up after a while to check on me. I had her pour ice cold water on my face and body to cool me down and that felt so nice. I remember something clicked in my mind and I knew we needed to go. I got dressed and walked downstairs. Jude had woken up and our lovely friend, Nikki, who was going to watch Jude had arrived. Nikki gave me a big smile and I remember being unable to smile or say anything to her. I told Dan we needed to leave right away. I held Jude and gave him as many kisses as I could. I took him outside in the fresh air and held him so tight. Leaving him then was incredibly difficult, knowing he wouldn't be my only baby from then on. Tears streamed down my face as I hugged him. Dan was bustling around busily gathering all our things and getting everything ready for Jude.

We started driving and I said, "shouldn't I be listening to Hypnobabies or something?!" I tried to pull it up on the iPad but it didn't work. I threw the iPad and was grateful we live less than a mile from the hospital! My mom dropped Dan and I off and I booked it inside as Dan gathered a few things and probably reminded my mom where to park. The parking lots were all almost completely empty and it was kind of eerie in a way. I went up the elevator and remember feeling so miserable and frustrated because I wasn't even sure I was going the right away. Dan followed closely behind.

I went to the front desk and the man asked me why I was there. I looked at him with a completely disgusted look on my face and all I could manage to mutter was "BABY." He took me right back to a bathroom in triage and handed me a yellow gown with what seemed like fifteen unsnapped snaps on each arm. He told me to get undressed and put this on. I looked at him like he had lost his bloody mind (excuse my french) and he quickly offered to help me snap the snaps. I didn't even know if I could get undressed let alone don that forsaken gown. Once that task was behind me, I made my way to my bed. The nurse (I remember her being really sassy. Who knows if she really was.) asked me a couple questions and checked me. She informed me that I was at 8 cm and started bustling around. Another nurse joined her and as they were wheeling me back I heard her say, "She's 8 with a bulging bag." I was relieved but also just mad at the world.

The next little while was all a blur. Everyone started bustling around getting everything ready for me. My nurse was probably in her late 50's and spunky and spry as can be. She was also orienting a new nurse. As they were rolling me into my room and I was crying out, my nurse asked, "Do you want some pain medicine?" And I yelled, "NO!!!" She must have not seen my birth plan. ;) I got into my room and between signing a bunch of papers (most frustrating thing ever), I threw up and my water broke at the same time. Bed change, please!

I had had this vision about my birth being a peaceful, spiritual experience and I had really wanted Dan to give me a blessing at the onset of my labor. I had forgotten until now so I had him give me a blessing. Between the contractions and nurses coming in and out it wasn't exactly what I had imagined, but Dan later told me he blessed me that things would go quickly. I didn't internalize it at the time, but that was the best thing I could have heard!

(Read part two here.)

Favorite parenting advice #1

I enjoy getting advice from others. I like it when strangers come up to me and give me advice. I always consider it and if nothing else I find it amusing. I will even ask strangers for advice if I feel they have may have something insightful I can gain. So I want to share with you some of the things I've learned (and am learning) and some of my favorite parenting "advice" (in no particular order).

Consistency is everything.

Our children our watching our every move. They listen. They observe. They internalize. They learn. They notice when we behave differently than we should or when we let something slide. As I have learned from observing other parents and families over the years, I have observed that consistency really is everything. When I analyze other parents and families that I find to be successful, happy families that are committed to the Gospel, I have discovered that they are consistent in those things that are of eternal importance. They do not waiver. They have made their decisions about how they live their lives, what media they will and will not be a part of, what influences they will allow in their home, what they will and will not do on the Sabbath, what they will wear, what words they will and will not say. Whether or not they will have Family Home Evening on Monday night is not a question. It has already been decided. Family and personal prayer and scripture study is not forgotten because it is not an option. They have "figured it out." They realize what matters most and what will really bring happiness. They realize that at the end of the days and weeks and months and years, what will matter is that they have bound their family together in the strength of something eternal that never fades.

My dad tells the story of when his family of seven children were on a camping trip with a few other families. It was the middle of the summer in the humidity and heat of Nebraska. It was well over 100 degrees and almost unbearable. All the children were miserable and begged their parents if they could swim in the lake. The parents collaborated and decided that, due to the heat, they would allow their children to swim. To my father and his six sibling's dismay, his parents did not waiver in the decision they had previously made that their family would not swim on the Sabbath day.

Years later my father remembers this occasion as having a great impact on him. As an impressionable child, he was taught a lesson he never forgot. It may seem like a small thing, but the small things are what define us. When we are consistent in the little things, the big things are easy.

I don't want to focus on the negative, but the families I have observed to sometimes make exceptions have struggled a lot more. Those who sometimes go to a concert on Sunday if it's someone they really like or sometimes watch a movie or television series that is questionable because ______ (insert rationalization here) or sometimes wear something that is immodest because they couldn't find anything else, etc. They have to make the decision about what they will do every time. It must be exhausting to not be able to stick to your guns because you don't know what they are. And surely exhausting for the children to not have that stability they can count on.

I want to be one of those consistent families. One of those families that people look at and just know. They just know we are believers. They know we are strong. They know how we will behave at all times and that we will be there at church on Sunday. They know we will gladly defend this Gospel and that we will never abandon our beliefs. 

"I miss you Mommy."

Jude literally tells me he misses me about 40 times a day. I think he got it from me telling me I missed him when I'd get him up after his naps and in the morning. But now he tells me all day long, even though we are together all day! He is such a little sweetheart. I love it but it also breaks my heart a little because that is his little way of telling me he needs me. He will also say "Hold you. Hold me." I savor those moments when it's just he and I cuddling or reading stories or getting ready for bed. He is such a little doll. He gets that passionate about to explode tone in his low voice as he says "mishhhh youuu." Oh, I love him. There is this quote floating around Pinterest and it was just what I needed to hear at this time of my life...

I love being their world. I am everything they need. It can be draining at times, but it is also humbling and empowering.

On a lighter note, Jude is completely obsessed with tractors. He went through a train phase but now it's all about tractors and construction sites/workers/equipment. His dream came true the other day when they were redoing our roof and a tractor and dump truck were working right outside our window. Definitely a step up from watching the garbage truck come by. Sometimes we go down to a construction site near by and get out of the car and just sit and watch them "scooping and dumping." It makes his day and I think it makes the workers day too!

There is a big pile of mulch at the park at our apartment complex and Jude calls it the "mountain." We will go play on it and he will being his little tractor and dump truck. Sometimes his cute little Iraqi friends come play, too.

He is quite the talker. He will surprise and amaze us with he things he knows. He is seriously always listening. It makes me so grateful we don't watch TV or movies because he hears and picks up on everything. And most of the shows (even though they're for "kids"), I definitely wouldn't want Jude acting that way and saying those things. The other day after conference he was playing in the other room and randomly said, "God. Jesus. Moses! Amen!" It really made me realize that he is always listening and internalizing.

His little imagination has really grown. He loves to play with his toys now and will fur his train is a tractor or play "surgery" with Daddy. He is always very concerned about Abraham having his "tummy. time" and will go get his special little blanket from Aunt Carla that he has to use. Then as Abraham is laying on the blanket we play ducks and Abe is the whale. He also loves to "cook" things for us and usually cooks sauce, yellow sauce, apples, or chicken.

He is definitely a boy and definitely two and definitely our favorite little two year old!

kicks&&giggles.

Yesterday Dan was holding Abraham and he gave Dan a little kick. Dan said, "Ouch! You got me!" And Abraham LAUGHED! It was the cutest little exhale of a laugh. We looked at each other like, "Did he just laugh?!" Yes, he did! And he just did it again!

Just now we were laying down by each other as soon as I started nursing him he just got the biggest smile on his face. Then he started laughing again. My heart got so big and I just couldn't contain my love for him. We started talking to each other and laughing and smiling and... life was really good at that moment.

Dan and Jude are over at the empty parking lot next door playing "SOCCA!!" with some of Dan's friends from school.

Life is good.

Update: Yesterday I was holding Abraham and Jude was right by him. Abraham was looking over at Jude and he just got the BIGGEST GRIN on his face and then did his little laugh. I nudged Jude and we both got so excited! "He loves you! He loves you so much honey!!"

:)

Missing/Motherhood

I miss Jude. I spent the entire day with him minus a 1.5 hour nap, but i miss him. So much that I've cried over it a couple times today. How can I miss someone I'm not apart from? Any other mother of more than one probably knows...

I miss Jude as my baby. He was my everything, my world, my heart and soul was directed as his utter contentment. And now, as hard as I try, I can not give him the love and time and attention I once did. At first it was all roses and he was adjusting well and I was adjusting well and we were all just perfect... and then I kind of got a reality check and just started missing him. I used to pick him up and he was just my baby. He didn't feel heavy or huge. Everything he said was to die for... cutest thing that has ever been said. Every move I made seemed to be for him. And now, I know it's a combination of this and also just him being two, but he is not only not my "baby" like he once was, but he has a mind of his own. It seems like a lot at once. He really is adjusting very well, but he is reacting to this change like any toddler would. He misses me. I miss him. He wonders why. I wish he wouldn't yell "AWAKE!" In Abraham's face and wake him up because I don't just want Abraham to sleep, I want to cuddle and spend time with just Jude so bad! I miss him! His vocabulary is sprouting like a dandelion on a hot and humid South Carolina day. He plays by himself all the time. He is learning everything and anything and calls me by my first name and loves nursery and I think I just got hit with the rude realization that he's growing up. He's getting bigger. He's maybe not my little baby anymore?! Okay, he still is. But WHAT HAPPENED? And in an instant it seems! He'd grow up with or without a little brother. But he is a big brother now and that just adds to it all.

"Jude insisted we wear hats..."

Motherhood is serious business, people. You just haven't the slightest idea what you're getting into when that first little baby is born. (Or the second.) We don't realize we are going to fall ever so deeply in love. And it will hurt sometimes. It is so hard because we love so much. And I don't think it gets easier. But it does get better. Because we grow more and love more with every day that goes by.

When Jude was born I remember feeling a sadness that he wouldn't be my newborn forever, but I quickly realized it really does just get better. I feel like I love him a million times more now than I did then. But I don't know, maybe it's just different. I don't feel that sadness with Abraham now because I have a greater perspective and know this great love I have for him will only grow. 

Here's to being grateful for and enjoying every stage. And moms, have you gone through this? Let's talk. I'd love to hear your experiences!

My Social Media journey (Why I deleted my Facebook)

A few weeks (months? I don't remember...) after Jude was born, I deleted my Facebook. I love social media and thrive off that interaction (and any social interaction, really). As I held this new baby in my arms, my priorities got really clear. I realized I didn't want to spend my precious, all-too-quickly-moving moments on Facebook the time sucker. I needed to spend my time with my dear little one and doing things to enrich our lives, which I felt Facebook did not. It was definitely not "best" of good, better, best and no matter how I would try to rationalize it, it was not enriching me and my family's life for good. I was pretty big into it, so I initially just deleted everyone but family and very close friends. This did not prove to be helpful. People became hurt when they realized I "unfriended" them, and I still spent more time than I wanted to on it. I made the decision to completely delete it, although it wasn't easy to make that final click, I knew it was for the best. I imagined myself trying to check it and then in a shock of depression realizing it was... gone. I was pleasantly surprised when I never missed it. Honestly, I never did!

Two years later, I've pretty much grown to despise it. Maybe like how when people quit smoking they learn to just loathe and avoid it at all costs? It's certainly not the Facebook it used to be. It was nice back in the good old days when it was only allowed with a college student email address and only status updates and pictures. That was it. Now it is a pandemonium of news videos, random pictures with useless print on them, and pictures of people you don't even know (but your friend's mom commented on it...). 

Anywho... I got a little off topic there. When my parents got me an iPad mini for my birthday a year ago, I took the jump and got Instagram. It's simple. No ads. Just pictures with a little caption blurb. It's pleasant and easy and doesn't throw me into sensory overload. Before long I started "following" random people/businesses and it was filling up with more "stuff." I was talking about social media with a friend and she recommended that I cut my friends down. Nice. Why I hadn't thought of that is beyond me. It's much better now. I don't spend nearly as much time in there because my "feed" is slow moving. But I still think I check it too much.

After the New Year I resolved to cut back on Instagram and decided to delete the whole app from Monday through Friday and then reinstall it for weekends only. I did it for one week and then never redeleted it, but that week was nice. Just easier. I didn't have to check it all the time. I was just able to focus more on my little family and what matters most.

After the New Year, I had several resolutions/goals written out, but with the baby's birth being so close, I could only focus on my one goal of having him naturally. Now that I was able to do that, I can focus on my other goals! It's nice to have my biggest goal accomplished and that positivity to push me forward.

If I check Instagram several times throughout the day for a couple minutes each time, that time really adds up. What else I could I do with that time? To be honest, it will be probably just be cleaning or the usual daily tasks, but maybe something more someday when life settles down a little bit? I'd like to spend any "spare" time I have learning and practicing new skills that will better myself/are more productive like sewing, crocheting, or blogging (my family journal).

So that's my little social media journey. (I spared you of my Myspace days.) Maybe you want to join me on my quest to use my time wisely and limit social media? I already have one friend (mentioned above) who is going to delete her Facebook for the same reasons I did! What ways have you found successful to limit your time on social media and spend your time doing good things? I find it more and more difficult to find that healthy balance when we all have instant access to everything anytime. I still don't have a smart phone, but just my iPad mini has really made it so much easier and faster to me to just "check something real quick." What ways have you found successful to limit your time on social media and spend your time doing good things? I would love to hear!

one month of abraham.

Our big little baby Abraham has been alive for one month... Mind. Blown. To think that it was one whole month ago that I was walking down our staircase in that big blue moo moo... pregnant (and soon not to be) is beyond my comprehension. And that he has been with us for one whole month?! In a way, it seems like forever that I've known that little face (maybe because he looks just like Jude did?!) and on the other hand I can't believe I have slept with him and nursed him and hugged him and kissed him thirty whole days in a row.

Picture of the month.

#1: Mommy. All he wants. All he needs.

The end.

I've said this before and I'm planning on saying it a million more times, but he is special. Special to me. And just special in his own right. He is the most calm, content little baby you've ever known. (Example: We had many errands to run this morning. So I strapped him into the car seat and off we went. We left at 8:50 and got home at 11:50 and he was sound asleep in that car seat the entire time. We then got home and I nursed him, gave him a bath, changed his diaper, nursed him again... and he has been asleep in his swing for another hour and a half and still going strong.) He has remarkable head support and a serious grip for a little one. He is smiling at us lovingly and it melts our hearts. His after-bath afro is a little too good. And he is quickly becoming his big brother's best little friend.

Being the mother to two has taught me so much already. It is absolutely beautiful. I have grown and learned to love and learned a lot about letting things go. It is refreshing beyond expression and only fitting that spring is upon us. I feel a rekindled love for life and my precious family and what really matters. I am literally brought to tears while playing with Jude at his "mountain" or watching my husband play with the boys as I contemplate my many blessings and wonder how my life has turned out so good.

We went to church as a family for the first time this week. It was a deep breath of fresh mountain air to be at church for the full three-hours and have my dearest three there with me. The boys even matched and the cuteness was a little out of control...

"The cough and cry"