Wednesday, March 26, 2014

Missing/Motherhood

I miss Jude. I spent the entire day with him minus a 1.5 hour nap, but i miss him. So much that I've cried over it a couple times today. How can I miss someone I'm not apart from? Any other mother of more than one probably knows...

I miss Jude as my baby. He was my everything, my world, my heart and soul was directed as his utter contentment. And now, as hard as I try, I can not give him the love and time and attention I once did. At first it was all roses and he was adjusting well and I was adjusting well and we were all just perfect... and then I kind of got a reality check and just started missing him. I used to pick him up and he was just my baby. He didn't feel heavy or huge. Everything he said was to die for... cutest thing that has ever been said. Every move I made seemed to be for him. And now, I know it's a combination of this and also just him being two, but he is not only not my "baby" like he once was, but he has a mind of his own. It seems like a lot at once. He really is adjusting very well, but he is reacting to this change like any toddler would. He misses me. I miss him. He wonders why. I wish he wouldn't yell "AWAKE!" In Abraham's face and wake him up because I don't just want Abraham to sleep, I want to cuddle and spend time with just Jude so bad! I miss him! His vocabulary is sprouting like a dandelion on a hot and humid South Carolina day. He plays by himself all the time. He is learning everything and anything and calls me by my first name and loves nursery and I think I just got hit with the rude realization that he's growing up. He's getting bigger. He's maybe not my little baby anymore?! Okay, he still is. But WHAT HAPPENED? And in an instant it seems! He'd grow up with or without a little brother. But he is a big brother now and that just adds to it all.

"Jude insisted we wear hats..."


Motherhood is serious business, people. You just haven't the slightest idea what you're getting into when that first little baby is born. (Or the second.) We don't realize we are going to fall ever so deeply in love. And it will hurt sometimes. It is so hard because we love so much. And I don't think it gets easier. But it does get better. Because we grow more and love more with every day that goes by.

When Jude was born I remember feeling a sadness that he wouldn't be my newborn forever, but I quickly realized it really does just get better. I feel like I love him a million times more now than I did then. But I don't know, maybe it's just different. I don't feel that sadness with Abraham now because I have a greater perspective and know this great love I have for him will only grow. 

Here's to being grateful for and enjoying every stage. And moms, have you gone through this? Let's talk. I'd love to hear your experiences!