Tuesday, September 28, 2010

D to R

"i love to be with you. even when you're cranky,
i'd rather be with you than not with you."


Friday, September 24, 2010

D to R...

"you are my other half because you make me whole"

earlier on this day, i woke up to a dozen red roses being handed to me from my hubby, sigh...

why i like my job

i was going to put "why i love my job" but i just couldn't bring myself to it. i am doing this to help myself remember why i like/appreciate my job and be grateful.

1. my earring fell off while i was in my patient's room and the back got lost somewhere but i found the front. so i just said "oh, i lose those all the time, don't worry about it!" so i just forgot about it. three hours and one bare ear later, my patient's son walks all the way down the hall to find me... "i found the back to your earring!" he had been searching for it. sweetest.

2. i'm sitting in the nurse's station, this big black man with dreadlocks and the sweetest smile waves me over (points and waves me over, me?? yes, you!) so i walk over to him... (thinking, this must be important...)

"have you seen true blood?"

"no.. what's that?"

"oh nevermind..."


"you look like a girl on there, jessica."

"oh! well i'll have to look her up... :)"

i did...

i think i see it... just thought it was cute and funny how he called a stranger over to tell her that.

3. discussing end-of-life care with my patient's family, i've been studying it in school this past week. it's special and touching to be so intimately involved in a stranger's life. and to have that feeling that they trust me and ask for my advice in such a life-changing, pivotal, emotional time.

4. the satisfaction of getting an IV started in one of those tiny little below the knuckle veins, more like a bulging valve. third time was a charm. it helped that my patient had dementia and she couldn't remember that it hurt when i stuck her (imagine dory from finding nemo). i stuck her and she would cringe, say "oww," and pull her hand away... i tried and fished around, lost blood return. so i got out the stuff and got ready to try again, with the needle in my hand she looks down at me.. "what are you doing?" she had completely forgotten. "i'm just going to start an IV in your arm so you can get your medicine..." she was so sweet.

and this was all just last night.

time can only tell what tonight will bring!

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

a bad case of academia

is the first fall day finally here? i wouldn't know, as the high today is 97 degrees. i wore pants yesterday and am currently cuddling a mustard colored blanket, just pretending and hoping and anxiously waiting for the weather to change.

looking forward to lots of days in the library this fall, as dan is a busy bee learning the sciences and i am beginning my first semester of three to get my BSN (bachelors of science in nursing). i love going to school & studying with dan... i study much better on the 27 inch mac! last week i went to dan's biology class with him and pretended to be a girl he just met in the library and introduced myself as such to all his friends. it was the most entertaining to pretend and be so flirtacious and new-feeling again.

but most importantly, congratulations to my hubby on getting two beaming A's on his first biology and organic chemistry tests! yay, so proud! :]

Sunday, September 19, 2010

How to find Peace&Joy in life

I am so thankful for my life and the Gospel. I truly do feel the Savior's love for me every day. What an amazing blessing that I can say that and truly mean it. Jesus Christ truly does know who I am and the deepest needs and desires of my heart. He watches over me and gives me those things that I need, often times when I don't even realize I need them. Jesus says, "Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek ye diligently and ye shall find me..." (D&C 88:63) But we must do our part!

There truly is only one way to find true joy in this life and it is to follow our Savior. We must pray to our Heavenly Father fervently every day and read his words in the scriptures. We must try to serve others and try to be humble. We live in a world that is becoming more and more wicked and it is getting harder and harder to distinguish between right and wrong. We must cleave unto what we know is right, cleave unto our husband or wife as if our life depends on it. Our lives truly do depend on it. If we do not do these things and let Satan creep in, he will slowly take us as he "desires to have" us. We are fighting a war against Satan and his influences every day. If we were going to fight in a literal war we would put on our armor and shield and bulletproof vests to protect ourselves. We are fighting a war against Satan and we must arm ourselves with the Spirit and prayer and read our scriptures if we want to survive in this wicked world.

Just look at your life. Are you feeling overwhelmed or stressed? Do you feel like there is something missing in your life? Do you feel like you could be a little happier and you're just not sure how? Do you feel like you need a little more patience to get through every day? If you feel any of these feelings then evaluate yourself. Are you studying your scriptures every day? Are you praying fervently to Heavenly Father several times throughout the day? Are you trying to get to know Christ better? Are you serving your family and serving in your calling? Heavenly Father wants to bless us if we only do our part.

I love my Savior and I know he loves me. I know that the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is the only church that contains a fullness of truth as in the times of Christ. I know that we have a prophet today, just like Moses and Noah and his name is Thomas S. Monson. He leads and guides us and shows us the way. I hope I can be a little better every day. I hope I can show my Savior my love for him through loving others and doing what is right. I know it will be a lifetime journey and I will have to put forth the work every day, but it is worth the eternal joy and peace that comes.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

love your body back. we must be kind to our bodies. nurturing. attentive. thoughtful. giving. or else how can we expect them to be all those things toward us? our bodies give, give, and give some more. we need to give back.

think about how you feel after you ate wayyy too much food, haven't showered or washed your face,

Saturday, September 11, 2010

contagious love

i had been his nurse before, but it was nothing like this. he was plagued by end stage HIV and had also contracted scabies. he had no where to go but the hospital. i tried to prepare myself to care for him as i knew he was not in good condition. i quickly applied my foot and leg covers, gown, cap, mask, and gloves before i could walk into his room. when i stepped through the door i was overcome as i saw his frail body, which couldn't have weighed more than 100 pounds. his legs were stiffly hanging off the bed, his arms were crossed up over his chest and he was shaking with his glazed over eyes rolling back into his head. pieces of his cracked, bleeding skin were sloughed off, covering his bed and floor. the cracks that covered his entire body were so deep they were bleeding and every inch of his skin was so dry and rough it would simply fall off if he itched it. behind his left shoulder his skin had become so raw it was bleeding out, the entirety of his bed was soaked through with blood. his whole shoulder was covered with clots and it was so raw his gown and sheets were literally embedded into his skin.

i looked into his eyes as i bent over to talk to him. "i need to know what's wrong. i need you to tell me what i can do for you..." i repeated over and over with no response. he had not been talking to anybody, maybe a yes or no from time to time. i put my hand on his and he immediately grabbed it and held on. i continued to ask him what i could do for him and that i would not leave him this way. he started to mumble a few indiscernible words. his voice was so frail and weak i could hardly make out a word. "are you in pain?" he nodded that he was in pain. i assured him i would be back, quickly removed my protective gear and ran out the door. he had no IV access due to the condition of his skin so all i could get him was a Lortab. i hastily reapplied my "personal protective equipment" and re-entered the room. he swallowed the Lortab; it was a matter of time before it would help.

i tried to pick his legs up and put them back up on the bed. he was so stiff and unable to move i could barely lift them the two feet up without him moaning or the legs just not budging. i got his legs up to the very side of the bed since he was so far over. he looked uncomfortable in every way. i did not even attempt scootching him over the bed, knowing the pain it would cause him and knowing that i could not do it alone. once again i leaned down to be next to him. i saw pain and loneliness in his eyes. i put my hand by his and he immediately held onto it and i held back. i once again asked him what i could do in a desperate effort to help. he would speak but i could not make it out. his voice had no strength. he would muster up his voice and speak a little bit louder and more clear so i could understand. "i need you to talk to me. i need to tell me what i can do for you. please tell me what's wrong..." i finally understood what he was trying to tell me.

"love" was all that he said.

by this time my hands were shaking, my heart was racing and my eyes filled up with tears.

"love?" was all i could say. i told him that God loved him. i told him that he was a son of Heavenly Father who loved him.

he tried to tell me about how his family wouldn't take him. he tried to tell me how he'd never been in a situation like this before. i tried to comfort him and love him. i held his hand and looked into his eyes with tears in mine. all he could see was my eyes as i looked something like this.

i was still leaned over by his side, searching for the right words to say. he began to lift up his arms and slowly moved them towards my face. i was surprised and backed up a little bit. i came back to him and asked him what he wanted. he said "take off your mask, show me your face." i backed up and pulled my mask down so he could see my face. i just stood there with my face exposed, staring at him as he stared back. i couldn't hide any of the emotions i felt. helpless that i could not do more and broken-hearted for this man and the fate of his life. i felt a love for him that i could never explain, almost a feeling of responsibility. i wanted to help him but i knew i could only do so much. i wanted him to know that he was loved. i wanted him to know that Heavenly Father did love him and have a plan for him and that when he passed on his pain would be over and he would be happier. i wanted him to know that i loved him, that at that moment i truly loved him.

i pulled my mask back over my face, grabbed his hand, and told him i would be back. i stumbled to the door where i again removed my gear. as i came out of his room and i staggered my way into the bathroom. as i washed my hands i lost all composure and began to weep. i stood in the bathroom and just cried, thinking about this man and all the unexplainable feelings i felt. how unjust and completely wrong it seemed. i dabbed my face with some foundation and wiped my eyes, again trying to gain my repose.

i tried to take care of my other seven patients and catch up on some charting until my nursing supervisor came around. he had told me he wanted something to eat, which was a step in the right direction since he hadn't been eating. i was telling her about his situation and she came in the room with me. we had to change the bed and sheets as i couldn't do it by myself. he agreed to let us change the bed, which he hadn't before. it was obviously painful for him, prying the sheets and his gown off of his open skin. he would yell out when we had to turn him, but he let us. we changed the sheets and the bed, trying to get him a little bit more comfortable. as we were turning him, he looked over at me and said "i love you." i told him that i loved him too and was just glad that we could help a little bit. we got him set up in bed, eating his food and watching VH1. he looked better. he looked more alive.

i cried again to dan later that night, feeling so sorry and helpless to no avail. dan listened and gave me some ice cream [which helped]. i was just imaging trying to take care of him again tonight, knowing i could not give him the attention he needed, and wondering how i would handle it emotionally. i had been having such a hard time because all the nurses were gossiping about him and talking about how hard is was for them to take care of him, how he brought everything he has upon himself and that he deserves it. i have seen over time after they took care of him they gained a little more compassion. it was so hard for me to hear those comments after that night and imagine how he would be taken care of during the day.

times like this further my appreciation of life, my belief that we can not judge anybody, regardless of any reason we think we can. we do not know what has happened in their life. many times it is a lot different that what he had thought, and we would be ashamed of ourselves if we really knew. we are to care, to love, to support, to try to help in any way we can.

i know for those few moments i was where i needed to be. he needed me there and i needed to have that experience that i could never, ever forget.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Sunday, September 5, 2010


eleven reasons i love fall!
big sweaters
cuddling for love and warmth
baking warm treats
bright tights!
anticipating and watching the leaves change
that crisp coolness in the air
decorating for the holidays
alabama football
hot baths
planning/gifting for christmas[!]

Friday, September 3, 2010

once upon a september

it was the first day of september and andre and danny were going fishing. rachy had just finished up a long night's work at the hospital, but she just couldn't pass up the fun and decided to forego sleep for a few hours for a playful morning out in nature.
she was feeling a little more silly that usual, but andre and danny just laughed.
they went to a fancy and beautiful private fishing & hunting getaway called zidon ashiva, and they had it alll to themselves...
danny stepped in a red ant hill and got a million little vicious ants on his feet. they were angry too. he made a quick getaway to the lake to rinse them off.
he learned his lesson and decided he's not going to wear flips flops to go fishing anymore.
rachy decided to be the photographer instead of a fisherwoman since her back was hurting. andre and danny didn't give up, even though the fish were being pretty stubborn that day.
ten minutes after we were supposed to leave danny's determination paid off and he caught our first fish! a beautiful bass named rubric. after we all admired him dan gently tossed him back into the water, said thank you and goodbye, and he happily swam away.
andre's fish tricked him and put a whole bunch of weeds on his hook. those fish were feeling very sassy that morning.
andre, danny, and rachy jumped in the car with happy hearts, singing and chatting all the way home. they can't wait to see what their next fishing adventure will bring!

skateboard spectacle.

one of dan's goals this semester was to skateboard behind a vehicle, holding on, around campus. lofty, i know. just the fact that he skateboards around campus is a big to do around here... there are few skateboarders, very few on campus.

when he skateboards down the sidewalk and people here the da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, da-dunk, they literally JUMP out of the way off the sidewalk onto the grass. how funny are people? &he always gets the funniest comments....

his spanish teacher: "AY... if ju are going to park jour car in here ju need to ask me for permission first, don't ju know?!" [jokingly]

so the other day, (in his own words)...