"Staying Home" like it's my business...

Since I was a little girl, I have known I wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. There was never a question. There was never an option. My parents lost their first child to SIDS at eleven months old. My mom had a great job before he was born and the company she worked for really wanted her to stay. They offered to pay for all of her child care costs on top of her salary, but she resolutely declined. They had waited almost ten years before that sweet baby came into their lives and she was sure in her decision to stay home with him. She left him only once in those eleven months, and it was the one time he was filmed on video. The babysitter was filming her child and him and just happened to mostly film him. This is the only video my parents have of him and they treasure it. This little angel passed on to the next life and my dear mother and father could not have felt more grateful that they made that pivotal decision to stay home with him and spend every precious moment they could with him.

I grew up knowing this story and being taught since I was a child the eternal importance of family and that nothing else matters, especially money or anything you can buy with it. I made that decision young and didn’t really think much more about it until my son was born.

I had been working as a nurse and had to continue to work five days every two weeks in order to maintain our health insurance. I felt nothing short of ill when I had to return to work and anytime I left him. As he has grown older and we have added another son to our family, this feeling has not diminished. (When I’m going to work that is. I have become a lot more comfortable and much less anxiety-stricken with leaving them for a few hours to go on a date or run an errand.) I’m sure that anxiety I felt when leaving them stemmed from a combination of many things, including those experiences in my family and really just the incredible obsession I feel for my children. Once I became a mother, as far as I was concerned, that was it. I could not have cared less about being a nurse or anything else. I WAS A MOTHER. That was everything. That was enough.

I had no idea how all-encompassing motherhood would be. I gladly and instinctively gave every facet of my eager soul and every speck in my beating heart to these two little boys. I worked part-time like that for a few months, and then when we moved I only did short travel-nursing assignments here and there so I could continue to be home with my dear children. Like I said, my world was completely overcome by these little souls. From morning until evening and every moment in between, my every move revolved around their well-being, safety, and happiness. And although I liked it that way and chose to be as obsessive as I was, I would get worn out. I was tired. I was never off-duty. And it was exhausting. I would try to explain to Dan that when he was working, he would get home and be done. When he was on a break from school, he was truly on a break and was able to turn off his worries and relax. I told him that I never got a break or took even a short hiatus from worrying. The work was literally never done. I went to sleep right there in the “office,” spent every waking moment tirelessly working, and even woke up several times in the night continuing my work! (Every mother reading this is smirking and nodding in empathy.) This is motherhood and it is work in every sense of the word. It can truly be so difficult to try to find that balance and find a way to let your busy mind and worrying heart take a “break” every once in a while.

When we moved to Texas, I got a job as a Med-Surg nurse working two to four shifts per month. I went through an orientation period where I worked full-time and more part-time orientation before I went on my regular two to four shift per month schedule. Leaving Jude (only him at that time) was miserable. Even when my mom flew down to watch him, it was treacherous to leave him. Although it was nice to get paid to sit and watch orientation movies and listen to speakers all day, I missed him. He was my heart and a part of me was missing when I was not with him.

Before long I was out on the floor working. Friends would ask me if it was kind of a “break” to work and get out of the routine. I told them it would be if my job wasn’t so incredibly tedious. (Thirteen-hour shifts where I would rarely sit and was constantly running from one patient to the next medicating for pain and taking doctor’s orders and everything in between). It was utterly exhausting and I longed for the days of story times and sitting at the kitchen table eating an hour long lunch with my babes. I began to dread leaving them in every sense of the word. Although normally a very low-anxiety and confident person, I would get full-on, almost debilitating, anxiety even up to two weeks before I had to work! I found myself not able to truly enjoy my days with my children because I was so worried about leaving them. It was more so with Jude when someone other than Dan was watching him as I would fret over his needs concerning his allergies, knowing how to care for him, prepare his foods, and give him the medications he was taking at the time.

I gladly took a four-month maternity leave after Abraham was born but quickly realized my altered reality was coming to an end as I depleted all our savings and had to start making plans to go back to work. Since I worked so infrequently, I still was not “on my own” as a nurse. I was still working with another nurse on orientation and that was nice, but I worried about going on my own and not having that help. They allowed me a few more shifts of orientation after I returned to get back in the groove, but before long the apron strings were abruptly cut and I started working on my own.

While setting up shifts with the staffing coordinator, I expressed my difficulty in working the 13-14 hour shifts (I was always behind). I would wake up before the children were awake and get home after they had gone to bed. I would not see them all day! I had to pump several times a day as I was nursing Abraham. The staffing coordinator mentioned the possibility of doing 8-hour shifts and I told her I would absolutely love that. She was able to get them approved and I started working 8-hour shifts, from 2:45 pm – 11:00 pm (more like midnight or later). I was entirely delighted. I got to spend the whole morning with my darlings, put them both down for their naps, and then get ready for work and go. I only missed them for a few short hours between naptime and bedtime. And I only had to pump once during my 8-hour shift. (I need to pump more, but I can get away with once.)

Dan reminded me that after one of my first 8-hour shifts, I admitted that I might have actually “enjoyed” it a little bit. (WHAT?!?! Have I gone crazy?!) I was working on my own. I got to do my own thing. I was on an off-shift so I didn’t receive typical report during a busy shift change and immediately take on a full-load of patients. One day, I even did tech work and another shift I was a sitter for the last four hours and got to watch HGTV while sitting by a confusing patient who was soundly sleeping!

I started to understand what people meant when they said work might be a nice break for me. Although most days I was very busy and I missed my children dearly, I knew they were being safely cared for by their father and I was really only away from them (awake) for 3-4 hours.

I began to notice a change in myself when I was home with them. The day after I worked, I was the most pleasant, patient, and jovial mother this household had ever seen. I would laugh and giggle at everything they did. I noticed little things about them that I had not appreciated or even seen in the past. I was entirely content to spend my whole morning playing horsies with them, reading stories, and going on walks. I felt I could accomplish nothing greater than just to laugh with them and enjoy the perfection of their presence. Dan would come home and ask me what I did that day and I would joyfully and unapologetically and proudly tell him I “had a wonderful day enjoying being with my babies.”

When I do not work out of the home, I oftentimes find myself getting caught up in everything I need to “get done.” I’m running busily from laundry to phone calls, to making appointments, to checking “something important” on my iPad, and before I knew it I’m putting Abraham down for his nap and suddenly missing him because I realize I hadn’t taken the time to bounce him on my leg or make him laugh all morning. Working, although not often, helped me really savor those little moments that may not seem like much to an outsider, but to me, those little moments are sheer, unadulterated HEAVEN.

Sometimes it is easy to take things for granted when we always have them.

After I had worked, I felt proud of myself and accomplished for working and making some money, but a  million times better and an ocean’s worth of smiles that I was now home with nothing on my calendar for the day and I got to spend the whole day (and next week!) just being a mom. What could be better?! I have convinced myself, believe, and know that the answer to that question is – absolutely nothing.

I fear that as stay at home moms, we can get so caught up in the days and the routines and looking at motherhood as a “job”, we lose sight of the BREATHTAKING and BEAUTIFUL moments that slowly and simply create the masterpiece of motherhood.

Although it’s been a roller coaster of a journey, I am grateful that I am able to work. It helps me maintain an eternal perspective on motherhood. I put myself in check and reevaluate how I’m doing as a wife and mother when I am taken out of that role. And, for the record, absolutely nothing beats that feeling of leaving work and stepping into that ancient elevator on my way to the parking garage, knowing I will be seeing the most beautiful faces in the world in a few hours and that they will be all mine.

Sometimes it takes “losing” something (or someone) to realize how much we love and appreciate and desperately need them.

Here’s to PASSIONATELY and DESPERATELY loving our families and our roles as mothers whatever our circumstance may be.

happy BSN! &more...

I've been doing the BYU-Idaho online nursing program for my Bachelor's degree and I just finished! I did it part-time so I could continue working and mama-hood and everything else. :) It was definitely a nightmare at times but it was a great program and I learned a lot. It was amazing how I formed relationships with my peers and teachers without ever meeting anyone! I did clinicals everywhere from the NICU to home health (in the back woods of Alabama) to the health department to a low-income doctor's office. Thank you Mom &Dad Mulder for the most amazing new lens for my camera. And thank you Mom & Dad for my to be determined gift! (Any ideas anyone? I do not know. It has to be something for me...) So, I know have my Bachelor of Science in Nursing.... next is my IBCLC (International Board Certified Lactation Consultant), which I am soo excited for!

PS- While we have been down in Las Vegas for Christmas, I did a week of "travel nursing" in December and I just finished another two weeks. I worked all 12-hour night shifts at Sunrise in the ER, different Med-Surg floors, Adult Oncology Unit, and the Maternal Infant Unit (I was ecstatic about that one!) It was an absolute nightmare most the time, but we were able to put some money in savings and I definitely had some valuable learning experiences. I worked 14 out of 17 nights! I have promised myself I will never do it again (or I'm just telling myself that now for the sake of my sanity and emotional health). I know we will always need a little more money but I am not going to put off my IBCLC any longer. I know it is better to sacrifice now and reap the rewards later... not to mention love my job! Once I get my IBCLC, I could work per diem and get some experience until one day I can really live the dream and have a private practice. Woot woot!

"smart, independent, and cute"

On my way to my last night of work! Pumping bag in hand. And hello, do you see that baby?!

I did it. 

I did it!

I am all done with my travel nursing assignment and I am so proud of myself! I definitely conquered a big one. I learned so much about myself and what I can do. I gained a lot of confidence just throwing myself into it after never having floated to another unit in my life and coming from a tiny hospital in Alabama. I worked at St. Rose DeLima ER holds and med surg, St Rose Siena ER holds (BIGGEST NIGHTMARE EVER), Sunrise RAU (Rapid Admission Unit), ER, the Med Surg Respiratory unit (worst night ever), Med surg renal unit, and rehab. 

I was at Mountainview on my last night and I got sent to be a tasker in the PCU. I got there and when the extremely flamboyant and vial charge nurse found out it was my first night there he said "You're useless then. Go home." I told him I was not useless, I could do it, and I was staying. An hour later when I finished my admission he realized he was wrong about me and told me I was "smart, independent, and cute." I felt good about that. :) I had some of the hardest nights I have ever had in my life but it was so worth it. I wanted to quit before I even started because it was such a nightmare getting compliant for about fifteen hospitals across Las Vegas. I wanted to quit so bad and really didn't think I could do it once I got started, but I did it! It was so worth it and I am thankful I could save up some money while we were down here. My parents were right, I can do anything I put my mind to.

You're looking at the face of the newest stay-at-home mama. GO GIRL.

travel nursing

Travel nursing. Not for sissies. It's intense. I am on a four-week assignment here in Vegas, working at any of the St. Rose hospitals or the HCA hospitals (Sunrise, Mountain View, or Desert Hills). So far I have worked at St. Rose Siena, St. Rose DeLima, and Sunrise. At St. Rose, I got no orientation. I showed up, they told me where I would be, I find my where there, get my assignment and I start working! I have no idea where anything is, what the hospital policies are, or anything else. Everything I have to do takes ten times as long as it should because I have to ask a hundred questions. It is absolutely insane.

I was the L2K nurse my first night. L2K's are "Legal 2000's." They are under the possession of the state (or something) for like, 2 days, until a social worker or psychiatrist comes and evaluates them. They are usually under the influence of drugs or alcohol, homeless and dangerous, suiciddal, or something people are dumped and are unable to care for themselves. That was a night to remember. The other nights I have been in ER holds, patients waiting to get an inpatient bed so they are shoved in any corner of the ER they can find, usually the halls. It is so crazy. I work twelve hours shifts that turn into thirteen and fourteen hour shifts with no break, no food, and one bathroom break. It is one of the hardest things I have ever done but it has taught me a lot and it is good for me to put myself in difficult situations and prove to myself that I can do it. I miss my babies so much but I am doing it for them. I am still breastfeeding so I have to find time to pump, which has not happened some nights, but it is worth to feed my baby the best! I have had a few nights at Sunrise that have been a lot better. The problem with Sunrise is I have gotten sent home early both nights due to overstaffing! I am supposed to be at work right now but I got cancelled because there is a low census because of the holidays. Hopefully I will be able to work Thursday, Friday, and Saturday to get my hours in!

When all is said and done, it is a blessing that I can work while I am down here in Las Vegas for only a month and put some money away. I am thankful for that!

northport medical center

DCH

Northport Medical Center

Med-Surg

PCU

my first job as a nurse.... so many memories. from the plain and simply nasty to the indescribably funny to the utterly life-changing to the scared to death to the infuriatingly angry. i have felt every emotion known to man in the walls of that hospital. not only have i learned about congestive heart failure, lung sounds, and total knee replacements, but a lot about organization, time management, kindness, life, myself, and lots lots more. sometimes i loved it. sometimes i hated it. it always pushed me. here are the kinds of things i did:

• administered lots of medication 

protonix, synthroid, zofran, phenergan, dilaudid, demerol, morphine, ancef, zosyn

• assessed lots of bodies

hearts, lungs, bowels, skin, movement, sensation, pulses, heart rhythms

• asks lots of questions

hey mr. ____, how are you feeling? are you in any pain? what would you rate your pain on a scale of one to ten? when was your last bowel movement? do you drink alcohol?

• explained lots of things

procedures, tests, disease processes, vital signs, normal, abnormal, medications, some things i knew, some things i made up

• put in catheters

the intravenous kind and the urethral kind

• helped people to/use the bathroom

by bathroom i mean not only the actual bathroom but the bedside commode, the bedpan, their catheters (yes, people need help with that), urinals (even a "female urinal" once. that was interesting), some people can't even wipe for themselves. nice.

• got my fair share of bodily functions

every and any kind you can imagine. i was there witnessing it, stopping it, facilitating it, listening to it, smelling it, or any other verb you can think of) see this post.

• exercised

walked up the halls, ran up the halls, jogged up the halls, skipped up the halls, mosied up the halls, to the blood bank and back, etc. my most common transportation of choice would be a brisk walk- to the medication room, to the patient's room, back to the medication room ("is my nausea medicine in there?"), to the lab, to the nurse's station, to the snack room, to the nurse's station, to a patient's room, to another patient's room, and then six more)

• forgot what a circadian rhythm is

have you ever stayed up all night? it's just not natural. you were probably really tired. so was i. then i came home and slept in the brightest light of day. we did not do the black out shade thing. i met a whole new side of rachael mulder since this all began. delusional, cooky, ridiculously emotional rachael. my husband didn't know he married a whiney seven-year old. surprise! i worked eight nights in a row and had six off. on my last day i would try to stay up "all day" so i could sleep that night. i never made it. not once. by seven i was all the above things and i would finally give in and fall asleep on the couch. then dan would coax me into bed and i would so kindly say things like "LEAVE ME ALONE!!" and "I JUST WANNA GO TO BAAEEDD!!" and "AAUUHGGHH!!!" 

• got realllllly tired

remember that one time i was on my way home from work and as i approached the bridge i noticed a long line of traffic so i so shrewdly thought, "i'll just around all these suckers..." so i took a quick left so i could bypass the traffic and go under the bridge... it wasn't long before i realized my mode of transportation would not safely get me under the bridge and across the river. 

• cried

in the bathroom (this story), in patient rooms, in the break room, walking out those sliding glass doors when i can finally cry, and at home, plenty.

night shift was so hard. i'll never do it again (after this summer). it's just not natural. 10:30 pm. everyone else in the world is getting ready for bed. i'm leaving my husband and sweet baby child for a hospital full of looney geriatrics and other sickies. it's just not right. i'm not interested in being that kind of working woman for life. it's not the life for me.

i made some of the greatest friends i have ever had there. anywho, that chapter of my life is over. i look back on it fondly but i sure don't miss it! 

to life.

I have to returned to work. To my life as a nurse. It's amazing what two and a half months off can do. For the three nights I have worked so far, I was kinder, more patient, happier, more eager to learn, more willing to call the doctor at 3:00 am, and more anxious to do whatever I could for my patients. At nine months pregnant and a little burned out after two years, I didn't feel like I was any of those things. In small ways, it's nice to see my sweet best co-workers who I just love, work my way down that hall and get things done, and even meet the best people ever.

Like Mr. Imagination. He was 6'7'' and his gown was more like a shirt which so gently complimented his (probably stinky) white undies. He stays up every night from midnight to four reading the Bible. I walked in on my two o'clock round and found him intently starring at the cheesy little landscape picture they have on the wall. He then explained,

"I know I haven't been reading the Bible like I do at home, but I've been enjoying this picture. I've really been getting into it. I walked down that pathway and I got in the water. I think that is a river right there with a channel coming out that way. I have just been using my imagination and making this picture come to life."

He literally starred at the picture for two hours and analyzed every square centimeter of it. That's something we can learn from him- appreciating art.

I could tell his tattoos were homemade so I asked him about them because I knew it would be a funny story. He thought since I was asking him about them I was interested in doing one on myself. So he gave me very specific, and vague, and completely confusing instructions on how to do my own tattoo.

"You get five or six needles. And some white string. And some Q-tips. Now I used pen ink but you're not supposed to do that because it's dangerous or something. You use that... oh what's that called (two minutes later...) Indian ink! Use that Indian ink and write out what you want then stick the needles in about... this... far and wrap the strings around and blot it. Now it's gonna scab over. If you're diabetic you don't need to be doing this."

"Didn't it hurt?"

"Oh, I just had some Jack Daniels and Coke. Just a little glass about this big. It really didn't hurt."

"Coca-Cola?"

"Yeah... Coca-Cola."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

"People tell me I'm just like my Grandpa. I just get my Grandpa. He and I have the same mind. He used to read the Bible all night, too. He had that whole thing memorized. He would just write out all the verses on the wall. He didn't even have to look because he knew it by heart. He would write all over his walls and cover them with the Bible. And you know what was the end of him? When they sent him to Bryce Hospital (the mental hospital). He wrote all over the walls at Bryce, too. He covered those walls... People think he was crazy, but he wasn't crazy. I'm just like him and I'm not crazy."

He was the best. One of my favorite patients ever. And to think I only had him for one night. Sigh. He drank at least five cups of coffee that night. And was literally wide awake all night. Talking, talking away. We could hardly get out of the room.

Okay, I'm glad I wrote that down. Now I can always remember how funny he was.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..

It's no piece of pie working all night then taking care of a baby all day. Even if he is the bestest baby ever and my hubby helps me when he's not at school from 10:00 am to 5:00 pm (or 11:00 pm after a long night at the temple...), still no piece of pie. Sleeping for one hour, then one and a half, then maybe two is a little demoralizing. I feel somewhat zombie-like, somewhat out-of-body. And mostly bad for my sweet child who I feel like I'm neglecting because I don't give him all the attention and brain-stimulating activities he deserves and he is perfect and only deserves at least two hundred kisses and smiles per hour, per day. But he understands. We are still in love.

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ..

We had a tornado watch and severe weather today. It was the worst. It's the most helpless feeling to know a tornado may be coming when there is really only so much you can do. Dan's classes got cancelled so he got to spend the day with us. I wish I could have enjoyed it more. I was busy getting our bags together in case we had to leave and trying to get the house together. And Dan did physics homework for approximately five hours. We had the TV on allll day and watched James Spann and the radar map. That gets old. We almost went to the school to bunk out but we didn't get to that point. Thankfully it has passed us. Thank thank thank thank thank THANKfully! We used to like storms and think they were cool. Now they are just scary and kind of put a pit in our stomachs. It's hard to believe it's almost been a year since the tornado.

Here's to life and making every day special. To treating your best people like they really are your best people, not the ones who get your cranky side a little too often (ahem, myself)... To being thankful for the little joys in every day. I love my husband dearly. I adore my little precious mini-human and getting to kiss his incredddddibly soft and delicate little cheeks every day. He does not know his power when I am tired and cranky and he smiles at me at life is instantly perfected. I am thankful for my health and a sound mind. I am so blessed it baffles me.

mixxed.

So, as a follow up to the previous post "work tales..." (a couple below), I have another story.

I had to go to the Maude Whatley Health Clinic yesterday to sign some papers with their HR lady so I could start my clinicals. This is not is a very good part of time and is geared towards people who can not afford health care/do not have insurance.

So the secretary let her know I was there and she told me to have a seat in the waiting room. I reluctantly sat down on the edge of my chair, trying not to contract any diseases (I know that sounds bad). People in the south like waiting rooms. Normally waiting rooms are pretty private and people keep to themselves. Not here, people strike up conversations with the person next to them, will yell half-way across the waiting room "what are you in here for?!" It's funny.

As I was sitting down I could see the middle-aged black lady sitting next to me looking at me. I knew it was just a matter of time before she struck up a convo.

30 seconds later....

"So is this your first?"

We then small talked about the baby for a few minutes...

A minute later...

"Are you mixed?"

Me, a little confused... "Like... mixed with what? But no..."

She then went on to explain how I didn't look like I was "just white" and it was due to my "complexion" as she pointed to my arm. I explained to her that I was not "mixed" with anything and tried to get her to tell me what she thought I was "mixed" with (since the girl who previously asked me that would not)...

She then told me she thought i was half-black.

Half?!!?! Black?!! I'm the whitest person I know! I was sooo bamboozled to say the least. She said she has a neice with my complexion and hair color who is mixed (but she has curly hair that's not like mine).

I have been asked this twice in the last two weeks. My theories are either I have been living here for too long and I am really starting to look black (like when you live in a foreign country for too long and start to not notice the people are Chinese/Hispanic, etc... except the opposite), or my "pregnancy aura" makes me look black, or I really do have some black in me, or these people down here are just crazy... ... ...

Sweet Sabbath

Oh, how sweet is the day of the Sabbath. (I feel like I should use correct grammar and punctuation for this post. I do know how.)

Sundays are divinely appointed and designed. A day where if we are smart enough we will listen to the commandments and not shop, study, or really work at all. To me, that sounds like the greatest day ever! Then why do we have trouble following it? Maybe six days of relentless work just is not enough for some. For me, it's plenty. We can and should work on Sundays, but nice work that is full of service and love. We can visit our friends and family members, administer to the sick or afflicted (where Dan is at this very moment, in fact), or even make cookies and deliver them to people! (That one sounds like the most fun to me.) 

Our world bombards us with crazy music, busy commercials and advertisements, immodest clothing and language, and other inappropriate things trying to squeeze their measly little way into our lives. It is nearly impossible to be a normally functioning person in society and not be affected by these influences. That's where the Sabbath comes in. One day a week we are protected from the abounding evils around us. The television stays off (unless you are watching a wholesome film of some sort), the music stays pure, and the errands get a day off. We get to be at home with our families... loving and enjoying and being happy. This day is very needed once a week. We love Sunday and are thankful that once a week we are able to take the Sacrament and remember our Savior. 

Sundays have gotten harder for me over the past two years, but I have gained an added appreciation for them. My schedule is a little odd. I work eight nights in a row and then have six nights off. So every other Sunday it's a struggle for me to get to church, let alone be pleasant and participatory. I think I have done pretty well. I go to Sacrament meeting every (99% of the time) Sunday and all three meetings 90% (maybe 85%) of the time (minus emotional breakdown nights were I simply can not function without alligator tears running down my cheeks). I have really grown to appreciate an uplifting three full hours of church. Three hours of church on no sleep and a tired body and worn-out attitude don't make for the most attentive Rachael. So every other week when I get to sleep the night before church, wake up and spend a little time getting ready, and feel like I am actually there during church is really a special treat for me. 

I wish I did not work on Sundays at all, but thankfully I am still able to go to church. We have made it work, but I have vowed to myself to never work on Sundays again. I didn't fight hard enough for it when I started my job. I know they probably could have worked around my insistence to not work on Sundays. I have learned from this experience and want to grow and become better from it. The gospel is first. Going to church every single week is of utmost importance. I won't ever let this get jumbled with worldly concerns again.

Thank you, Dan, for giving a beautiful talk today and how the little things in life really make the biggest difference. How are we supposed to have meaningful scripture study and prayers and listen to the Spirit in our lives and fight off temptation if we do not attend church on Sundays and partake of the Sacrament? This truly should be the crowning moment of our weeks. I am thankful and blessed I have the opportunity so readily available to me. :)

work tales

so i'm in my patient's room trying to spray chloraseptic spray in her throat and hang antibiotics and she says...

"i don't want to be rude but...."

(now i'm anticipating the... "are you pregnant?" question...)

but no, she says...

"i don't want to be rude, but... i just have to ask..."

"are you white?"

are you white?! really?! i was in probably shock. i have never been asked anything even close to this before. i assured her that i was "white." she went on to assure me that i looked like i was "mixed." she couldn't quite figure what i was mixed with, but she was convinced that i couldn't be just white. something about my fair skin and complexion and how i just didn't look white. still doesn't quite make sense. i assured her that i wasn't offended and was just surprised at her observation.

so that was funny.

work is so, so difficult. it's tiring and frustrating and busy and hard and overwhelming and draining and everything else. but every night i pray that i can be a good nurse to my patients and i can truly say i feel like i am. i know that is a blessing to be able to know that even after everything i can still come home and know i did my best and did everything i could. i know the only reason i can continue on and keep going and trying is because my Heavenly Father strengthens me.

 i am sooo blessed.

it is humbling and unbelievable. i try every day to deserve it. and yay, i'm half-way done with my week! 4 down, 4 to go...

best story ever.

working my little heart out is the name of my game. it's been a lot of working. basically all i have done for the past week and a half.

my patients/coworkers are really starting to notice that i am "with child." i love the reactions and the "awwws!" and the rubbing of my belly. some people aren't too fond of it, not me. i'm soakin' it up.

half-way through my week i had a cute little 30-something bipolar, post lap. nissen lady patient. she was so strange and funny. i absolutely loved her oddness. she always had this absolutely shocked, almost frantic look on her face. so i walked into her room the first time, did my assessment, etc, etc, left, and went on with my work. second rounds came around and i slowly turned her doorknob and creaked open her door just to peek in on her respirations. she immediately woke up and said "turn da light on..." i turned the light on and explained to her that i was just checking on her and didn't need to wake her up. mid convo, she glances down at my belly and gets the most bewildered, utterly shocked, and almost upset look on her face. brows furrowed, eyes wide, so deep in thought i could not get her to budge.

i started laughing uncomfortably... "whatt?!?!!"

"what is it??!!"

she just stared with that intent look on her face. like she was thinking about something so, so hard. she stared for a good minute, then looked up at me and as sure as day said in the most matter-of-face voice...

"it's a boy."

i was overjoyed. she had a feeling about him. she said God gave her a gift to just know and she just... knows. she later explained to me how it was my first and i was married. she was completely unsurprised as i agreed. she said she could feel my spirit when i walked in and she knew i was a good person.

totally made my night!

workin' mama [24 weeks].

how is it that i loose track of how many "weeks" i am?! they come and go before i even have a chance to fully appreciate the happenings of the week. i guess that's what happens when you work nine nights in a row. yuck. like, started wednesday night and ended the next friday morning. that should be either illegal or a sin. thank goodness it's over. i'm counting down how many "weeks" of work i have left until it's baby time. one super huge extra lovely perk of having a baby is that i will be

done.

with.

work.

at least for three whole months. i might go back for a few months after that to keep our benefits while dan is a full-time stay-at-home daddy, but i might not. :) everything thinks we're a little crazy, but i think it's absolutely fabulous and wonderful. we have some money saved up. all will be well. that i know better than anything else. i have faith that it will. i know, know, know (know, know, know, know) Heavenly Father will make a way for us to provide and have everything we need (and probably a few things we want too...).

anywho- i am 25 weeks now.

TWENTY-FIVE?! that's as many pennies as there are in a quarter! i feel that last week was so fully devoted to trying to fit into scrubs and keep my pants from falling off, i have to post a picture of me in my scrubs. even though this picture is technically taken at 25 weeks, it represents 24 weeks.

we have been cozying up to a name... slowly but surely. it is perfectly fantastic. still cozying up, nothing sure yet. we are keeping the name a pretty little mystery until the baby debuts. he wants it that way.

... in real life.

have you ever seen the illusionist?! dan and i watched it the other day. i was a little skeptical at first but totally and surely la-huved it. edward norton is our celebrity crush. i have just been beyond elated that they got to be together in the end and i wanted to watch it again immediately after it was over.

our life is really "real-lifey" right now. back from vacation, unpacking, cleaning, making dinner, sleeping, working, going to school, running errands, etc. but we like it. we love being in our own place that's a little more permanent. 4 months post-tornado and we finally feel settled.

dan's semester includes: ecology, biochemistry, working in a genetics lab, an online writing class, and a proctorship with reallll doctors. he is soo cool. and smart. he loves me and takes care of me when i have the hardest, worst nights and works and lets me cry to him and holds me tight. work is a little overwhelming at times (biggest understatement ever/trying to be politically correct sounding). it's the little things that get me through. like: my coworker brought chocolate to share last night. and i walked into my patients room the other morning and she cut me off mid-sentence to say "you look cute" (UGH!!! i died of joy at that moment), my patient's husband who hugged me and sincerely thanked me numerous times, when my supervisor calls me to tell me i'm getting an admission, a lady with a hairball... no big deal.

well, i'm off to bed. lots of love.

lfie.

old post that i forgot to publish:

i have been working full-time in one of the most stressful, overwhelming jobs. my schedule is really hard on me and i am literally counting down the weeks until i can be a normal person and sleep at night and be awake in the day (minus occasional switch-ups!!! (oh, the things people take for granted)... the thought of being able to sleep next to my husband every night is just mind-boggling. the majority of my life now consists of me, at 10:30 pm, saying good-bye to my husband and facing the cold, harsh world until the sun comes up. it's just not natural. i've payed my dues and i'm ready to be done. mind you, i am so grateful for my job and how it has blessed us. not only financially, but i have learned so much about health care, medicine, nursing, people in general, myself, time management, organization, i could go on... i am so grateful i have been able to work for a few years before i have my baby. it's been great, but i'll be nice enough to let dan do it for the rest of our lives. :)

so besides working, we moved out of our apartment last weekend. the lease to our old apartment ended a week and a few days before our new one began so we have been living with our sweet, wonderful friends, the richards, right now. they are ridiculously kind and welcoming. i hope we have been hospitable house guests! so we moved out of our apartment, cleaned every crack, crevase, and cranny, and have our belongings stowed away there for a time.

we had to hold off a few days to move because dan had a big ole test to take last saturday morning in birmingham. we stayed at a lovely hotel the night before so we can just relax and not have to drive over an hour in the morning. we swam at the hotel, went to the temple, went out to dinner and had some delicious mexican dishes, and enjoy our king-size bed! (we were previously bunking out on a twin. mandatory cuddling... the best) we had so, so much fun. dan got all the extras... early check-in (we will get our moneys worth!), a room in a high-floor (level three), and a hair-dryer in the room (i actually did use it!). our room was so plush.

during dan's test, i found world market (i'm in love) and got some fun things for our new apartment, got lost and ended up at a yard sale in vestavia hills, and a few other adventures. i was so thrilled and elated for him when he called me and told me he was done! i could not be any more proud of him. he is amazing. and incredible. and driven. not to mention adorable. thank you everyone who prayed and fasted for him! our prayers were answered and we know Heavenly Father was there helping him with his test. the guy at the testing center was teasing him because every time dan would come out for a break he would be smiling. the guy would say "why are you smiling?! you shouldn't be smiling while you're taking a test like this!" and dan would just say "i don't know! it could be worse i guess..." and the proctor said, "well, i hope you become a doctor. i would come to see you just because of that big smile."

on monday we moved into our new apartment. we really love it. it's spacious and open (once you get past the loong entrance hallway), we have two bathrooms, a fireplace, a back porch, woods in our backyard, a extremely large walk-in closet, a big pantry that so nicely holds our washer and dryer, a ceiling fan and overhead lights in every room, and a parking space that is only a few steps from the front door! oh the luxuries. we are excited about it. we moved in as much as possible in one day, because on tuesday we flew out to las vegas to see the james gang! we are loving our vaca and trying to relax after a very stressful few months...

dan finishes up his summer classes today (weight-lifting and racquetball). he managed to make it through his whole semester undefeated in his racquetball class. that Z-serve is pretty brutal. and he is as muscley as all get out these days. he's making up for my weight gain. we've always been able to complement each other. :)

i gasp every time i step on the scale... it's the best. my doctor might have a heart attack after i get back from a two-week vacation with my family and step on the scale the next day.

oh did i mention we had our big ultrasound?! we are so thrilled to bring a lovely little boy into this world! a first born son is pretty perfect to us. he kicks and spins and twirls. he is going to be the best, best, best little creation this world has ever seen!

life is stressful sometimes.

this past week has been hard. work is so overwhelming and stressful sometimes. for nine hours a day, eight nights in a row... i have to be everybody's everything. i have to meet the needs and wants of all patients at once, and more. i give. and give. and give. with a smile on my face, always being professional as can be. and rarely get anything in return. it gets old. there is only so much i can i do for you. the eighty-something year old, frail, sickly little man who was livid at me because he was cold and in pain. i am trying to do absolutely everything i can for you. but you won't let me. you do not want to take your pain medication. you will not let me get you another blanket. you will not me switch you to a warmer room. you are not satisfied. so what do you do with your angry little 106 pound body? you yell at me! "listen hear, you maid!" maid?! really?! that's a first. they are a little frazzling at times.

it's hard to always have to stay professional and polite. sometimes i just want to scream and talk back and run away and be completely dramatic and ridiculous. it would be the best thing in the world.

i guess it's a good job. i provide for all of our wants and needs, with some to spare. i learn about everything. pneumonia, drug overdoses, schizophrenia, snake bites, surgeries, strokes, and anything else you can think of. this week i've started iv's, put an nasogastric tube down, put in a catheter, and of course the never-ending shots, medications, and stethoscopes. it doesn't get much more nurse than that, does it?!

for the first time in my life i have had insomnia. it is the worst curse. worst curse! i am a girl who hardly functions on anything less than eight hours sleep. three two hour naps is not cutting it. unless cutting it means making me absolutely miserable... then it's cutting it. my sweet little onion loves to make me to go to the bathroom every three hours.

dan has been studying every day for the mmm-cat. he is wonderful and i love him no matter what. besides that, we are trying to furnish our whole apartment with only craigslist/thrift store finds. we figure if we're moving in a year anyway, why bother?! we will just sell it all anyways and start over again probably.

besides that, he is trying to politely convince our apartment managers that their insurance should cover this unfortunate event! ... (they do not agree)

the other day we were having one of our typical afternoon thunderstorms. it wasn't even raining, just thundering and a little windy. dan was studying and heard a big noise so he looked outside and this huge car length branch had broken off the tree in our front yard and landed on our car. {our new, post-tornado car} ... REALLY??!! wow. we are the best at wind damage. it was the only damage in site. the only tree or branch or anything down... of course. we both just laughed. large dents and scratches and wood impaled into the car. do we just have bad luck? Heavenly Father realllly wants to teach us a lesson....

DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY MATERIAL POSSESSIONS!

at all. they are not important and do not matter. they just get in the way of what really does matter.

if you don't think i'm serious... even ask my 13 year old self...

just worry about each other. and eating ice cream and fruit together. and swimming. and you will be happy.

self-diagnosis

the other night at work i was looking up a pill that is used to increase wakefulness, sometimes given to those with sleep work shift disorder. what?! there is an actually name for this?! i just knew i had it.

i looked it up...

"SWSD is a sleep disorder that affects people who frequently rotate shifts or work at night. Schedules of these people go against the body’s natural Circadian rhythm, and individuals have difficulty adjusting to the different sleep and wake schedule. SWSD consists of a constant or recurrent pattern of sleep interruption that results in insomnia or excessive sleepiness. This disorder is common in people who work non-traditional hours, usually between 10:00 p.m. and 6:00 a.m."

ME!!! i've got a bad case of it. and now i feel like i can blame everything on my SWSD.

like the other day when i was trying to turn up the volume on the tv and it would not turn up. what is going on?! "it's broken!! the tv won't turn up!!!! UGH!!!" (i can see now that i was overreacting) dan comes over.. "seeee dannn... it's not workiiingguh."

"the remote is turned backwards..."

i was pointing the remote towards me instead of the tv.

ohhhh boy.

can i blame that on sleep work shift disorder?

... ... ...

what about the other day when i was driving home from my last night of work and i missed my exit and then ended up going towards fosters (the longest highway without any exits or turnarounds)... i go about five miles in the wrong direction and come to an exit so i get on it and turn around headed back towards tuscaloosa. i get back to a somewhat familiar-ish area and take the wrong exit (again) and before i know i'm two minutes away from walmart. so i ended up just going to walmart and grocery shopping so my whole fiasco wouldn't feel like such a waste.

can i blame that on sleep work shift disorder?

catharsis

what i ________ about my job

emptying poop out of a plastic bag connected to somebody's stomach

pulling tubes out of and cleaning the body of a recently deceased woman with a highly contagious disease (so thankful she's in a better place)

assisting a woman of 370 pounds back into her bed and not being able to tell what part of her body is where ("you can sit down now" ... "i am...." ... "ohh...")

seeing multiple dimply, saggy bums through the open back of a hospital gown nightly

asking perfect strangers about their bowel habits, in detail

more experienced nurses treated me like nothing more than an incompetent little hassle to them and their ever so superior life (did you forget we have the same job and same position, and i would never want this job to be the culmination of my career?)

being nervous to call a doctor and tell him something to which he will probably say "uhmm.. okay... (youwokemeupforthat?)"

walking down the hall to leave the hospital and literally feeling like i've just been beat up, several times

just as i'm done helping my patient with whatever, i take my gloves off, thoroughly wash my hands... and as i'm half-way out the door they say "can you fix my sock?"

patients who say "open the blinds. empty my urinal. give me my medicine and then you can go." really?

trying so hard to do everything right that i know how and be a good nurse and it never being enough

it almost all makes it worth it when my favortie 80 something year old patient with the worst and cutest dementia has a harpers bazaar magazine in his room and when i first visit him he says "well, you better just pull up a chair and spend the night!"

measure in love...

so, we've both been pretty spoiled around here. after our two week vaca to california, dan had two more weeks off school, and i only had to work four nights, and then had another week and a half off... so we've had lots of time together to play games, go on dates, eat fun dinners, have friends over, watch 'deep impact' and 'dear john', do projects, go hunting at least five times [that's all dan]... basically every fun and wonderful thing that we never have time to do every day. so i think it's safe to say it's been a pretty fabulous year so far... mmm!

new years eve was celebrated at home in pajamas with a fondue meat&veggie dinner topped off with some martinelli's {4 pack from sam's club, of course}, a new years toast, some treat-making and munching, lots of games [dominos/skip-bo, the usual], a hyped up dance party in the living room complete with his&hers blinking LED flashlights, a slow dance to aud lang syne, a fake count down, a kiss, a firework extravaganza in the parking lot while dan... walked me out to WORK!! yes, i worked while clocked strike twelve. it was a little devastating being away from my main squeeze, but we managed to sneak a quick call in so we could at least talk and reallly countdown together... we had a delicious buffet at work and most certainly did share some sparkling cider as well! i LOVE listening to bowel sounds on new years eve, it's just the best thing ever.

i had new years day off of work, it was just plush. that was the goodbye to our hoarding days day [see "organization is BLISS" post below]...

highlights thereafter:

...mcdonalds&best buy date...

he got a hot fudge sundae, she got a m&m mcflurry; we then mozied on over to best buy and played some schveet video games [that's as close as we get to those...]. the funniest. we had to fight over them with the 12 year old boys.

...$1 sushi @ surin date...

surin of thailand is a restaurant on the strip... delicious, delicious! on certain days they have midnight sushi for a buck!... we felt soo fun&funny getting carded and wearing our phone restore wristbands showing that we were of age, sipping on our water, being so hip with all the college kids, and just chit-chatting our glistening hearts out. we will most definitely be going back, and if you come visit us we will take you there (!!)

...gymnastics meet date...

alabama vs. penn state. our gymnastics team is a pretty big deal. they were giving away ipads&55'' tv's, so dan and i were just so excited for when we won [not if, when... we were so sure]. we got all dressed up in our bright and fun outfits so the camera would be drawn to us (all very calculated), got there and spent at least 20 minutes filling out raffle tickets for the ipad, found our seats next to dan's geography teacher (she MIGHT have a little crush on him, not totally sure... but she gave him 100% on everything he did and they might have had a moment while she was passing him in the aisle as she complimented his converses). anywho, definitely didn't win the raffle. so we were set on winning the DANCE competition! (YES!!!) dan wouldn't stand up, so i was just hyphying my HEART out & puttin my grove on with the highest hopes, the camera didn't even COME my way... that's just not fair. we're over it. the gymnastics meet was the best, they fly around like no big deal. we just love the taylor swift songs to the bar dance and the sweet home alabama pride on the floor. we totally, totally, and TOTALLY won [whooped their tushes] in that meet.

watched twin towers. i cried five times at least. it was a little cheesy but only in the best way. you should probably watch it {netflix} if you want to love your husband and family more, love your country, remember the past, etc. and we most definitely enjoyed enjoy popcorn, cookie dough, and candy enough for a family of six.

...stake conference&tcby...

adult session stake conference in bessemer, just wonderful&we loved it. we came back to tuscaloosa and went to tcby with our cute friends, had the most fun and funny conversations, and then made a LATE NIGHT TRIP TO WALMART!!! {duh duh duhhh....} which is usually the kiss of death, but we actually enjoyed it! we bought everything from summer sausage to lemons, you really just can't go wrong there. we even had a surprisingly sweet run in with our friend kelly. :] the next morning was our stake conference and guess who spoke? just guess... PRESIDENT MONSON, elder perry, sister dalton, and brother mcmullin. it was FAR too blissful. [yes, it was broadcast from salt lake to the gulf states if you MUST ask]... we heard such lovely stories from our dear prophet and the most entertaining talk on not "STUFFOCATING" ourselves.

...dinners...

we have been cooking and baking maniacs. chocolate chips cookies, m&m chocolate popcorn, funfetti cake, meatball and vegetable stew, corn chowder, corn bread, fajitas, chicken caesar salad, chicken alfredo, chicken fried rice, funeral potatoes, cheesy scrambled eggs, and YES... thanks to megan whitlock i made homemade biscuits and gravy (if you know my cooking then you know it was the biggest ordeal of my life). all homemade and enjoyed fully! we had my cute friend jada over one night and some other friends another, we love it!

...snow ridiculous...

i wish i convey to you the sheer panic and loss of all sense that comes over people when there is even the slightest flurry in this town. it is hilarious and ridiculous all at the same time. it snowed probably 1/2 inch last week, barelystuck to the ground, really not a big deal right? wrong... the university of alabama shut down. walmart & target shut down. banks shut down. the nurses at the hospital STAYED THE NIGHT and slept in patient rooms because they were too utterly frightened to drive in this life-threatening and dangerous "inclement weather" and they were afraid none of the other nurses would show up the next day. we went to walmart the day before... NOT ONE LOAF OF BREAD left in the whole store. people think they are going to get snowed in and so they hurry to the store and buy break and milk. i mean... there is NO TELLING how long you could be STUCK in your car or house with a HALF OF AN INCH OF SNOW ON THE GROUND!!! the university of alabama sent out multiple emails telling the students that they do not need to worry about coming to school for the first day because of the weather. dan's organic chemistry class tomorrow has been mysteriously cancelled. here is the forecast for tomorrow according to weather.com...

38 DEGREES

SUNNY

0% CHANCE OF PRECIPITATION

it's alabama.

overall, we love each other and we love this new math game on dominos (mathinos or dominath, i'm still deciding). oh yeah, dan made a styrofoam plane from scratch that was just so impressive and flew so perfectly! (backwards).

and... real life starts today!

the end!

strung out on acid

something inside me just doesn't feel right about pushing narcotics into the veins of young "polysubstance abusers." yet i have no choice if i want my job.

"pain is subjective."

is what i'm taught to believe. so... sigh, i'm a drug pusher.

falling in love

I got a chill and giggled a little as I walked out of work this morning and snuggled up tight in Dan's jacket. It is soo fall. Adorable ceramic jack-o-lantern and two mason jars filled with candy corns&pumpkins on the coffee table, pumpkin chocolate chip cookie dough in the freezer, and a scarecrow on the front door.

Tonight is my last night of work and I'm off for six nights. Fantastic? I feel so free as those big sliding doors open for me as they anticipate my stride. I know I don't have to come back for a week... The world is mine. But I can't help but think about the people I take care of. The precious man who is dying of terrible, horrible, evil, painful cancer that is spreading with every breath he takes... always asks me how I am doing after I ask him how he is. "I'm doin pretty good... how are you doin?" And his wife who sleeps in that crooked hospital chair at his side night after night, never leaving his side. I will never forget him. I can whole-heartedly say that I love him.

School is overwhelming. I can do it and I'm doing well, but I'm stressed. I don't like that. I like to enjoy my time and have plenty of it for those things that fill me. I want to be able to have all the time I want to prepare my lessons for my young women and do projects around the house and cook fabulous meals and go out with the missionaries and blog til my hearts content and photography my life and make cards and just be me! I am going to petition to switch to part-time instead of full-time. Why the rush?

Dan and I are in love. With eachother. With our church. With Heavenly Father. With our apartment. With our families. With candy corns. With skip-bo. With our snuggly warm bed. With prayers. With texting. With photoshoots. With adventures. With Whitlock [our plant]. With our future. With our dreams. With our life.

It's what you make it. We make it happy and playful and full of love.

:]