one week.

What an amazing whirlwind of a week it has been! There is so much, so much, to say! Right now I want to focus on this incredibly precious little Spirit that has joined our family. He has changed our lives with his precious little heart. One week ago today, last Sunday night, I was still in an altered state of reality, somewhat in shock of what just occurred. No amount of preparation or reading or praying or Hypnobabies or anything else could have prepared me for my natural birthing experience. Words are like a handful of sand thrown into an ocean of feelings and thoughts that can and never will be adequately expressed. And that's okay. I have an incredibly special bond with this little angel who didn't come easy and taught me a lot about myself. He wiggled his way right into my tummy, enjoyed his highly-nutritious placenta, and coyly gave his mama an extra fifty pounds to keep him comfortable for the 41 weeks and five days he spent there.

This little boy of mine has the most peaceful little demeanor. He has a very mild and content temperament, but also has a strength about him and is unusually alert for a baby his age. He had a perfect latch and has nursed like a champion minutes out of the womb and hasn't stopped. He likes to sleep by his mama all night and no where else and I don't mind. The first two nights home I tried to put him back in his bassinet after he nursed and that was not a winning battle. By night three I just accepted it and realized it was actually quite lovely to sleep next to my baby all night. I usually try to sit up and nurse him in the cross-cradle because that's best for babies learning how to nurse, but sometimes we just nurse side-lying and he eats it right up. We get a little sweaty. Who knew it would be miserably hot here in February?!

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way an indicator of real life. We had a family photo shoot on Friday and this was taken then. We don't normally coordinate and naturally look that peaceful and made up. :)

I had to stay at the hospital for two nights due to postpartum hemorrhaging and it felt like days on end. I was so elated to be wheeled out of that hospital and feel the sun on my face on that Tuesday afternoon with my circumcised baby and my non-transfused circulatory system. The first couple days home are kind of a blur of short spans of sleeping intertwined with diaper changes, cord cleaning, not making it to the bathroom (or even close), Symphony bars, headaches, squirt bottles, lovely dinners made by my mama, nursing, cuddling with my new little angel, and an ill-attempt at taking care of a post Mogen-clamp circumcision. I remember looking in the mirror for those few days and being frightened by my dangerously pale and yellowed skin.

Welcome to real life! I did not apply or fix my make-up before any pictures, obviously. I want to portray birthing and motherhood as it is naturally and embrace the beauty in that.

I feel more and more like myself and enjoy my sweet little boys more and more every day. I can't imagine Jude adjusting any better to the addition of a new baby. I'm sure it helps that Mimi has been giving him all the attention I haven't been able to. He loves "Abe!" and likes to help me care for him, but most the time he just does his own thing. He has actually just very naturally become a lot more independent since our little baby came. He spends more time playing alone with his "TRAC-TOR!" that he made out of his wooden train and his other little games he makes up. He has been a little more sensitive lately. The only "tantrum" he threw was when we first tried to put Abraham in his swing. That lasted for about ten minutes and now he has no problem. He is such a sweet little boy and I only love him more now that his brother is here.

much needed Daddy time

The father of the household got a head cold the day we got home from the hospital and wasn't really able to help take care of Abraham at all. He also had missed two tests that Monday and Tuesday and had to make them up on Thursday and Friday so he was so busy studying. That was the hardest part of those first few days home for me. I missed having him by my side because he was right there by me the whole time at the hospital. Thankfully, he has started to feel better and is back to his normal loving, sweet self. I missed him! (He was kind of zombie-like for a few days) It has been one of my greatest joys to see him come into his own as a father and love these babies.

My dear mother. She has kept this family together and we are so grateful to her. She takes care of every meal, all the laundry, all the cleaning, every errand, and every other task we need her to do. She takes care of Jude fully, from his medication routine to his intricate meal/milk preparations (which can be intimidating!). She cares for us not only physically (making me take my foul-tasting Iron supplement), but loves us and takes care of us just like we are her babies.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can not imagine being more blessed. I am so grateful to be the wife to an incredibly sweet and faithful husband. I am humbled to be the daughter to the most supportive and loving parents who sacrifice everything for their children. I am brought to my knees in gratitude to be the mother to two absolutely perfect angel babies. I am blessed beyond measure. My overall love, which I thought was already overflowing, has been expounded upon and magnified exponentially. I am happier and more filled with love than I knew I could be. The arrival of Abraham has not only added the enormous, indescribable love I have for him, but because of him, my love for my husband and my precious Jude has grown so much stronger as well.

Weaning.

Took a bath. Clean diaper. Dinner. Ice Cream. Brush teeth. Nursery Rhymes. Prayers.

Now time to cuddle with Mommy for our nightly routine. He lays on my arm and nurses. We look at each other and just know the love between us is so incredibly perfect. He knows I am always there. I am always there.

He gets a little restless… left side, then right, then left, then right. Tired. Eyes closing. My eyes close. A few minutes pass. We walk into the bathroom where his crib is and I rock him in my arms as he continues to nurse. His right arm starts to relax, then his whole body.

Ten minutes later. Ready for sleep. Gently lay him down in his crib. Cover him with his special crotched white blankie Grammy made. Quietly walk out. Close door behind me.

And that's it. It’s over. My eyes feel tingly and my heart feels thick. My head is hurting and a distraught look has made its way permanently onto my forlorn face from worry.

It was our last time nursing. We were trying to wean for months. We knew we had to if we ever wanted to get his Eosinophilic Esophagitis controlled. It had been such a painful emotional road for me to accept this fact. Nursing was our thing. I couldn’t imagine life without it nor did I want to. I thought I would nurse him until he was three if he wanted to. But I knew he had to stop. I wanted it to be natural. I wanted he and I to both feel ready. I had felt so far from that. Why did it have to come at such a hard time? We were moving and living in and out of hotels and friend’s houses and everything was unfamiliar, and we’re supposed to wean him too? It seemed more than I could even bear to think about.

A little miracle came our way and we were able to spend a week with an old friend from high school and her family. She happened to have a son Jude’s age and seeing him was heaven-sent, I know. He is very independent, not nursing, and the thought came to me that nursing may be holding Jude back in a way. He was growing up and I had to let him. I had planned on getting settled into our new apartment (which was taking weeks longer than we thought it would) to lessen the shock of it all. The thought occurred to me one day while at Kara’s that maybe I should wean him before we move into our new apartment. He wouldn’t associate nursing with the new apartment at all. He would just realize it was something of the past and we don’t do that here. He would be back with his own crib and his Poppy Bear and all his old things and those comforts would help distract him from the loss of nursing. This thought seemed far too cruel so I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Days later, our move-in date was approaching. I had Dan put him to bed to see how he would do. I left the apartment distraught and worried, as my usual lately. I tried to think of someone I could call who may be able to give me some advice. My dear friend, Kelsey, came to mind. I called her and we had a talk, that again was undoubtedly heaven-sent. We concluded that my earlier idea may just be best. He had been showing me different signs that he was “ready.” I could not deny the signs. I knew Heavenly Father was helping me be able to let go and helping Jude tell me in his own way, “Mom, I’m ready. I’ll be fine.” Mid-conversation I received a text from Dan saying he went to bed easily, did not cry, and was perfectly happy. I knew what we had to do. Two days until we moved, one more day to nurse.

I had Dan put him down for his nap the next day to see how he’d do. Again, he did great. He was very content and did not cry or seem to long for me. I knew I wanted to nurse him one more time and then we would be ready.

… …

Fast forward to today. It was his first time going to sleep with me, without nursing. I was so nervous. Every time I have tried to do this in the past he quickly becomes livid wanting to nurse. Not this time. We read a story. He laid on me. I rocked him. He went to sleep. Not once did he show a desire to or try to nurse. A miracle. Truly a miracle in my own life. I can not count the number of desperate prayers I have plead for this to go naturally and not be hard on Jude. They were answered. I am so incredibly grateful. I know he will be fine. I know we will still be just as close and cuddle just as much. I know he was ready to move on and finally, I was too.

Last night after many tears and a headache and a face sore from crying, I had a Klondike bar. The deal was sealed. I could never nurse him again because I had eaten what he couldn’t have. It was bitter sweet, but mostly bitter.

Nursing didn't come easy to us. Starting out with jaundice, he couldn't nurse at all for over a month. We pumped and bottle fed and tried and tried and he finally starting nursing again. We worked at it and worked at it. We had to use the shield and the breast friend and every other assistive device that exists. We tried everything and anything and goodness, it wasn't easy... but it was worth it! It soon became our favorite thing to do. Whether bedtime, naptime, middle of the night, wake up time, break time, hungry, bored, hurt, whatever. It was always there and we always loved it. We have nursed in every place you can imagine; I should have kept track. He has always loved nursing, with a passion beyond all reckoning. It has brought me so much pride and contentment and satisfaction to be able to nurse him and provide him with nutrition, especially when he began to have difficulty growing. I love my baby and I am so grateful I have been able to nurse him for a year and eight months. I will always look back on the thousands of tender moments I have had nursing my sweet child with the most wonderful and fond memories.

Update on Jude's EoE - LOTS of big changes.

Where do I even start?! Goodness. Here we go...

Jude had his last EGD (Esophagogastroduodenoscopy/"Scope") on June 26th. It looked relatively good as far as they could see with the scope. There was a definite improvement from last time. They informed us that the only definitive way to know if he is truly doing better is from a biopsy. They biopsy cells from the esophagus... if there are Eosinophils (white blood cells/WBC's) there, then we know there is something that is still upsetting his allergies and causing a reaction. If it was clear of WBC's, then we would know that his current diet is working, he is healing, and the scarring we can still see if just left over from before. We were really hoping for Option 2.

So we waited for the results to come back. We got a call the following Tuesday morning as we were walking into Wal-Mart. The poor nurse wasn't the most tactful in how she broke the news...

"Well, the results of his biospy are back. It's not good..... So is he eating any real foods or just the formula? .... So what do you want to do now?" As if dropping that bomb wasn't enough, now she's asking me what I want to do as if I am the expert with all the answers.

"Umm... I'd like to speak with the doctor, for a start..."

His WBC count had gone from 85 (really bad) on his last EGD to 65 this time (still pretty bad).

I kept it together long enough to Dan to take Jude to the toy aisle so I could grab a few groceries. I called my Dad and he answered the phone to silence followed by a hysterical little girl trying to explain what had happened. I was finally able to tell him as I bawled my way through the housewares aisle.

We knew these things...

He had improved a little bit but was still not doing better. He was still eating foods that were causing him trauma and we had to change things. He has been gaining weight, which is of course great, but if we were to allow the Eosinophils to remain in his throat and keep attacking things and causing tissue damage, it would eventually cause irreversible damage and could cause a hole in his throat or some other unknown. (This disease has only been discovered within the last 25 years so we don't have a lot of long-term information.) We saw the damage that came from a few months of it not being taken care of, you can only imagine 20, or 50, or 70 more years!

So we have to figure out what is causing the reactions. At this point we'd cut out dairy, eggs, wheat, nuts, and mustard. Our next options were to

1) Cut out more foods and do another EGD, and hope it's better (Elimination diet)

or

2) Cut out all foods and drink formula only for 6 weeks (Elemental diet)

There were a few other foods he had tested allergic to that we hadn't eliminated yet because we wanted to see the results of the EGD first. So we cut those out right away. I made him a stew a couple nights later with lentils and vegetables and beans and other foods that were supposedly "safe" for him. He ate a ton of it and I was sooo excited (it was such a relief to feel like I'd made something he liked/could eat after feeling so overwhelmed with what to feed him). Ten minutes later he was covered in hives. That was a kick in the face.

I felt defeated. I am supposed to trust this list of foods he's allergic to as I try to provide food for him. I have this list of however many foods he "can't eat" and is everything else just supposedly safe? The upsetting thing with this approach is that they don't test for every food. So how can I know what I'm feeding him is safe? I can't. Allergy testing is extremely unreliable and inconsistent, any allergist will tell you that. The only way to really know if a food is safe or not is to test it through an EGD (this only applied for people with EoE). We had been praying and pondering and researching and trying to decide what path was best for Jude. This experience felt like a drop in the bucket that another series of "eliminations" would not be successful. With how highly allergic Jude is, he was bound to eat something he was allergic to and therefore, have another EGD with poor results and not know where it was coming from.

We had a call in to his doctors (GI/allergist/dietitian) to talk things over and get their opinions. It was unfortunately the 4th of July weekend so we had to wait until Monday/Tuesday to talk to them. The long weekend of waiting turned out to be a blessing because we were able to ponder, research, pray, and fast and really feel prepared with our opinions and questions for the doctors.

We spent several hours researching on Sunday night and went from one opinion to the next and one extreme to another trying to figure out what to do. It's exhausting when there is not necessarily a "right" answer. EoE and allergies in general are a very unknown science with a lot of unanswered questions. We know it was imperative for us to be prayerful and put our faith in the Lord. We had to do everything we could and let the Lord guide us to what decision we felt would be best for Jude.

After all our research we felt led to doing the Elemental (formula) diet. Everything in my heart, as the mother to this perfect little child, has tried to fight it just because it will be so hard, but when I put my emotions aside I know it will be the best thing for Jude. We had found some research that night that said the elimination diet (just cutting out foods the persons tests allergic to and then retesting) has about a 50-75% success rate in taking care of the problem. The Elemental diet has a 99% success rate.

We were able to have an absolutely heaven-sent conversation with our angel allergist, Dr. Gottlieb, on either Monday or Tuesday morning. He spent over 30 minutes talking with us, answering all our questions, going over research studies with us, and explaining things until we felt comfortable. We had our list of questions and he was so patient as I hurriedly wrote down everything he said. After speaking with him, we felt more sure about the Elemental diet.

The Elemental Diet is where Jude will eat/drink only Neocate formula for about 6 weeks. NO FOOD. You can imagine how difficult this would be for a child. Especially one Jude's age who doesn't understand why. Why we just suddenly stopped feeding him food and expect him to drink a large amount of formula every day, nothing else. But most kids do surprisingly well. I've read about other people who have done it (adults, even) and they get to the point where they don't even have a desire to eat and they will crave the formula because it makes them feel better. It would definitely be easier if Jude was younger because then he wouldn't be so used to eating. But I am grateful I've been able to breastfeed him for as long as I have and it would have been even harder for us to have to give that up when he was younger. So, he drinks only the formula for about 6 weeks and then they do another EGD. There is a very high chance that his throat will be completely clear, healed, and have zero Eosinophils. Then comes the Reintroduction. We will start out with one food, say apples. He will eat only apples (and his formula) for about a month, then we'll do another EGD and see if he's still clear. If so, then we know apples are a "safe food" for him. Then you add another food, then another, etc. After a while you can trial several foods at once if you are feeling especially lucky or if things have been going well. You group similar foods together.

The big stumbling block here was that we would have to stop breastfeeding in order to do this diet. We need to be 100% sure of what he is ingesting and we know while he is breastfeeding he is getting what I eat. This has been really hard for me to come to terms with. Jude and I absolutely love breastfeeding. We worked so hard at it when he was born and 19 months later we are still going strong. I always thought I would nurse him for years and let him decide when he was ready to stop. There is nothing I love more than laying down next to my little angel and nursing. It is our thing. It's all we've ever know. Trying to imagine life without it is just unsettling. So many taking breastfeeding for granted. They stop just because their child turns a year old or they just don't feel like it any more or they want their body back (?!? that one baffles me), or their child supposedly weans them self (I can't even fathom thing because Jude is completely obsessed). They wean and it's done. Then there's us. Neither one of us has even the slightest interest in weaning.

On to weaning... We have cut out the nighttime and all "just because" feedings and now only nurse at naptime and bedtime. Dan goes in with him in the early morning when he wakes up and rocks him and gives him a drink and he'll usually sleep for another hour or so. When he first eliminated the nighttime feeding he went from sleeping 12 hours a night to 10. He has slowly worked his way back up to 12. It's been about three weeks since we've cut this one out. I want to wait until I feel like he has adjusted and is used to not nursing at this time before we cut out another feeding. I literally feel sick to my stomach when I think about it. I was an emotional mess when I faced the fact that I would have to wean him. It completely breaks my heart in the most violent and heartless way. It hurts so deep down when he wants to nurse but I can't. I just have to remind myself that it will be the best for him and we have to do it in order to get his EoE under control.

So, what now?!

The past week or two I have been torn with when to have him completely weaned and start the elemental diet. We are flying to San Antonio on August 2. I think the stress of moving and weaning will be hard enough for Jude, to throw cutting out all food on top of that it just too much at once. When Jude is on the Elemental diet and not eating, we will just not eat in front of him at all. We will just do all we can to act like food doesn't exist. So to be flying and moving out and it would be near impossible to be in the early stages of this transition. Not to mention I would starve because he wouldn't have his own room to nap in and we would be together all the time so I wouldn't ever have a chance to eat. (I hardly eat as it is because I don't like to eat anything he can't have in front of him!)

So we are going to continue to wean him slowly and have a goal to have him completely weaned within a couple weeks of moving to Texas and getting settled in so we can start the Elemental diet and move forward. Hopefully by then Jude will feel comfortable in our new place and adjusting well. I'm hoping we will be able to get our new insurance set up relatively quickly and get our new doctors in order so we can continue to move forward and plan to get his next EGD set up.

When we spoke with the allergist on the phone, he gave us the long list of all Jude's allergies and the "maybe" ones too that he recommended we take him off of just to be safe. So for the next month or so until we start the Elemental diet, he is on an extremely strict diet. I am hoping maybe this will help with the transition because he will be sick of the foods he is getting and maybe just lose interest. :( It's so sad to even say.

We are currently "allergic" to:

MILK

WHEAT

SOY

EGGS

NUTS

CORN

POTATOES

RICE

BARLEY

OATS

MUSTARD

ALL GRAINS

ALL MEAT

He puts being Vegan to shame. We are moving forward. I feel surprisingly peaceful even after writing this lengthy, overwhelming post. My faith is in the all-knowing God who lovingly created us and created a perfect plan for us. It is unbelievably difficult to have to watch my child go through this and know he will suffer for his whole life from this. But I know it is for our good. I know it is all part of the eternal plan... all part of learning and growing and trying to become more kind, meek, and able to bear one another's burdens. I know Jude is strong and he will be able to not just face this, but face it with strength and faith in the Lord. I intend on being strong for him so he can lean on me. If he sees me as an unstable wreck who is unable to handle this, how is he expected to? We are in the midst of the difficulty of trying to figure out how to take care of it. We will move forward and find safe foods for Jude and I'm assured I will become an amazing cook with however many foods he ends up being able to have. It will become normal and just a small part of life. It already has been and will continue to be a blessing to Dan and I and the rest of our future family because we will all eat healthier and be aware of what we are eating. 

My hope for Jude is that we will be able to clear up his throat, find as many "safe foods" as we can and it will be enough for him to have a somewhat normal diet. (Some people with EoE end up with one or two "safe foods," some have twenty) I hope one day I will be able to make Jude a birthday cake and that he will be able to have enough of a variety of foods that he will be able to receive the nourishment he needs from them.

So that is our update. It feels good to post this because it means we have made decisions and are getting answers and have a plan. I am so grateful for that and boy, do I love my little boy!

Patch testing

***UPDATE***

I have since spoken with my dietician and a little bit has changed. I wondered if it was worth it to strictly adhere to the above list of allergies when we know we're going to be starting the Elemental Diet soon anyway. That list was compiled more for the thought of following the Elimination Diet. He has been growing, happy, healthy, rarely vomiting, and has had a good appetite over the past several months so we've decided to not strictly adhere to the new diet 100%. We had to weigh the options of giving him such a limited diet over the next month that he would probably loose weight (not to mention how very difficult it would be while moving), or just staying on the diet we've been on, plus a few more things. Since we know in about a month he'll be off all food altogether, we don't think it make a huge difference in the long run.

I have still cut out all meat and grains. I still give him quinoa (which is actually a seed), but I'm not doing it 100% like the wheat, eggs, dairy, and nuts. For example, his butter has "natural flavor from corn" in it and I still give him that. And I'll let him have the Veggie Straws in nursery even thou they are mostly potatoes. (They already completely changed the snack routine for him!)

He mostly eats fruits, vegetables, and beans. If anyone has any yummy ways to cook beans let me know! A boy can only eat so much hummus and channa masala!

Thank you so much to everyone, first of all for reading this long post, and more importantly for your support and words of encouragement! I love to hear from all of you! :)

still obsessed...

TIPS: Pumping at work for the nursing mother

Pumping at work can be daunting and nerve-racking and make the transition back to work that much harder. I had worked at a little hospital in Northport, AL for a couple years before I had to pump at work so I wasn't really worried about it. I knew everyone so well. We were like a little family and they were all supportive. I knew they would cover for me and be supportive of me pumping. But it did get harder. Here are a few tips that helped me and I hope can help you, too!

1. Don't be awkward about it. Be open!

I'm naturally a very open person so it wasn't too hard for me to be open about it, but I felt like that was very helpful. I would tell all my coworkers what I was doing (mostly all women, which helped). I would don my little black backpack and off I went. Someone would ask, "Are you leaving?" or "Where are you going?" I'd say, "Just makin some milk for baby..." or something like that. The conversation usually ended there because most people feel awkward about it. I want to overcome that awkward stigma so I felt like it was important to be open about it so more people would feel comfortable doing it if that time came for them.

2. Double check that you have all your supplies before work!

There is nothing worse than getting all set up to pump in the bathroom or little room with a lock, wherever it may be, only to find out you are missing a bottle or some other vital part to pumping. Then it calls for some major improvisation, which doesn't always work. I would bring my freezer bags with me along with a brown paper sack and put the milk directly in the freezer bags after pumping, in the paper sack, and then right in the freezer. (You are not supposed to "upgrade" milk, like go from fridge to freezer, so that way it would last longer if frozen.) You may want to think about purchasing some breast pump wipes if you are unable to access a sink. I am cheap so I would just rinse them off, wrap them in paper towels and stick them back into my backpack and wash them thoroughly when I got home.

3. Make arrangements beforehand, if possible.

Contact your supervisor, boss, or whoever and make sure there is a private, locked room with a plug (unless you bring batteries) that you can use. Be sure they are aware you will have to take one or two (or however many you need) 20 minute (or however long it takes you) breaks during the day. It is against the law for them to not let you pump or not have a private place for you to pump, so you've got the law on your side if they give you any trouble. That way you can plan someone to cover for you, if necessary, and you will decrease the anxiety of going back to work! It will be hard enough leaving your baby, so anything you can do to make the transition smoother will be a great help!

4. Bring an extra shirt, just in case.

We all hope it won't happen, but it might. I always tried to wear a pretty tight-fitting sports bra, a tank top, and a darker colored or patterned top. I also wore nursing pads when I first returned to work and my supply was a lot higher. One time a friend was asking me about the baby and we were talking about his eating and pumping and before I knew it my shirt was wet and milk was dripping on my shoes. We were good friends so I just laughed about it and said, "Speaking of pumping, I better go do it right now!" Luckily I worked at a hospital so I borrowed a top from the OR because the spot didn't come out, but most workplaces don't have conveniences like that!

5. Most importantly, be committed!

Be committed that you will pump and continue to breastfeed no matter how hard or inconvenient it may be, and it will be worth it. This is the most important step! It may be hard. And if your job is anything like mine was, there will be nights or days you will not be able to pump. I once went over twelve hours without pumping! But me, my baby, and my milk supply survived. Research breastfeeding and pumping and how it all works as much as possible so you are committed to it because you have an understanding of how important it is for you and your baby.

I signed up for a travel nursing job when Jude was six months old and I had to work at different hospitals I had never been to with different people I had never met every night and work shifts that ranged from twelve to over fourteen hours. I also had to attend a couple training meetings where they only gave us a few short breaks. I would sprint into the bathroom and pump for five minutes. I was so nervous about having to pump once I started my job... asking strangers to watch my patients for me, finding a room and everything else to make it work. I knew I would do it no matter what and I am so glad I stuck with it and was committed. There were times when I would eat a couple bites of my food while I was pumping because that was my lunch break. There were times I left to pump and thought someone was covering for me and I came back and all heck had broken loose (we're talking patient safety!) to a misunderstanding. If I can pump in a situation like that then we can all make it work! How wonderful to be able to come home from work and breastfeed our sweet baby after missing them so much! 

The more we breastfeed in public and pump in the workplace, the more accepted it will become. Unite, mothers, to make the world a more breastfeeding friendly place!

breastfeeding is bosss.

Found this here (click for a bigger view) and I love it! Of course. :) You go mamas!

Happy National Breastfeeding Week!

You know I'm just thrilled to death about National Breastfeeding Week. I love breastfeeding. I'm an advocate and I think our society has given it a bad name and many mothers don't do it because of misconceptions and misinformation. The longer I breastfeed, the more reasons I find that I love it and that it is God's gift to mothers... to help us, because he knows how hard motherhood can be.

In follow-up to my last post, I am trying to get Jude on a better schedule- going to bed earlier and having more scheduled and lengthy naps (per his advice). Jude has always been nursed to sleep (except for when I worked) and I have always loved it. I put him to sleep in his crib or whatever we made to be his bed on our vacations, and then after about four hours he wakes up, I feed him, and he sleeps with us the rest of the night and feed him about two more times through the night. 

Now Jude is approaching eight months and I felt like he should be "sleeping through the night" (Which he does if I feed him right away he doesn't even wake up), and he should be able to fall asleep without me, and so on. So I battled with what I should do. Some nights I would put him right in bed with us, some nights I would try to rock him to sleep in his crib. It was inconsistent and it was me battling myself trying to figure out what I should do.

I let him cry again last night trying to get him to go to sleep at an earlier bedtime and not have to be nursed to sleep every time. I'm done. I felt sick and upset and distant and unnatural for the past two days. I would tell myself to just "stick it out" and "it's for his own good" and "it will get better." But he was horrified and hysterical and I do not feel the need to make him feel that way. I was looking up some articles and discussion boards online and what I already knew became as clear as day. He is only seven and a half months old. He has been on the earth shorter than he was in the womb! It's okay to baby him. He's my baby. He'll grow up fast enough and I'll look back on these days longingly. I am lucky enough to get to stay with him day and night so I am able to do this. He loves it more than anything. It brings him so much contentment and security laying there in my arms. I completely love getting to hold my baby so often and be his source of not only comfort and happiness, but unbeatable nutrition! I am still able to sleep well like this and do not feel sleep-deprived at all. I am thankful I have come to this conclusion. I always knew I wanted to breastfeed for as long as he wanted to, and know I feel confident and peaceful in also letting him breastfeed as often as he wants to. He will naturally grow out of it when he is ready. I feel content and peaceful since I came to this realization. I know it is best for us.

Happy baby, happy mama.

I am still working on an earlier bedtime, though. I'm shooting for 6:30 pm. Wish us luck!

Jude's four month shots

My sweet little baby had his four month set of shots a couple weeks ago. Soo sad! I think it was worse this time around. Maybe because he is more aware and alert and just looks at me so helplessly. Or maybe because I've had two more months to love him and get to know him. My friend told me what her former pediatrician's office did to make the shots less traumatizing for the little ones and I thought it was a great idea that every pediatrician's office should implement. The idea is to have two nurses give the shots simultaneously in each leg. He had to get four injections this time, so instead of giving one shot, then another, then another, then another, he only had to get what felt like two shots because he got two of them at the same time. I politely told the doctor about it. I knew if I had the doctor on my side, she would tell the nurses to do it and the nurses do what the doctor says. So the doctor told me that would be fine, it just might take a little longer to wait for two nurses instead of one. And she said she had never even heard of doing that before. I think it should spread and everyone should start doing it! The first nurse came in and then the second. The second nurse acted all perturbed. Really?! She's obviously never had a child. The second nurse was all on her high horse and she said he had to lay down on the table "for safety purposes" although they let me hold him last time. I figured I would pick my battles. So I laid him down on the table. He was smiling and kicking like the most innocent happy little child. Then came the shots. INSTANT HYSTERIA. As soon as they were done I immediately brought him up to me and started feeding him. He calmed down and was just exhausted. He fell asleep on the 0.4 mile ride home and this is how I found him in his car seat once we got home...

Then we had a post shots photo shot. Typical. See two month shot post here.

He had a rough day or two after this set. No fever or anything, just kinda miserable. He's back at it now, though. LOVE HIM!

oh, life lately

My two month old baby is precious. He is the young love of my life. The first month was so completely magical, yes, but it was also a whirlwind- very overwhelming, sleepless, and intense. The waters have calmed this second month. He is sleeping so well, usually six to seven hours a night. The days of rocking him endlessly are few and far between. He even likes his swing. He almost always falls asleep in his bassinet on his own. He is breastfeeding like the champion of all champions. We are really getting the hang of it. It's not such an all-encompassing-stop-everything-else-you-are-doing-prepare-for-at-least-an-hour-affair now, it is just kind of a sweet, enjoyable little experience I get to share with my baby eight times a day (at least, Mary says). He loves his little Occy (pacifier dragon). His personality has quadrupled within the past month. He is smiling, laughing, grinning, playing, kissing, talking (baby talk, ya know), and cuddling. My heart belongs to that 11 pound 11.5 ounce babe.

nothing like kisses from mama

I am also feeling so much more like myself. I feel like I am getting my body back and am not just the most awkward, pained, subcutaneous creature on earth anymore. I have been exercising, getting dolled up, getting out of the house, oh it's divine. I even wore my cigarette jeans last night! The joy that filled my bosom when they fit was insurmountable.

We just had the best weekend ever. I finally got Dan to myself so we brought the aero bed into the living room and watched movies, had dance parties, made homemade pizza, talked, cuddled, all the good stuff. I'm pretty sure Dan did not get off that bed for approximately six hours on Friday. He needed some R&R. :)

Now that he is two months old we are do have to avoid crowds like the plague anymore. We still avoid them, but boy is it nice to be able to take him to the store! We celebrated Valentine's Day again last night and went out dinner, compliments of Grandma and Grandpa James and Jude. (They got together and decided we needed a night out and arranged it.) We put in our name at Longhorn Steakhouse and since it was supposed to be an hour wait we walked all around the shops at Midtown Village and pushed Jude around in his little pram. It was freezing cold and raining. We didn't mind. Jude was a trooper as he was harshly exposed to the elements between stores. Whenever he is suddenly cold he takes a huge gasp  like he is catching his breath. It is hilarious. Dinner was the most fun ever. We were starving, so bread, water, chicken tortillas roll-ups (our free entree), and two delicious steaks complete with mashed potatoes (of course), sweet potatoes, and salads was the most delicious meal we could have ever dreamed of. Although I wouldn't have minded a little taste of my neighbor's Chocolate Stampede (AMAZING). I was a little nervous when Jude got hungry but I donned my nursing cover and all was well. Our very flamboyant waiter and other father-of-two server were very sweet and made me feel at ease.

We also went to church today. Jude's first time. It was so nice to be there together as a family. I'm a proud mama. He was awake for the first two hours laying contently in his pram, slept for almost one, and then got hungry about ten minutes before church got out. What a good boy.

In sacrament meeting Dan looked over at me and with a sweet smile said, "I've waited for this for so long... sitting in church with my little boy." I will say, looking over seeing my gorgeous husband sweetly cradling our swaddled up sleeping baby was one of those moments where everything makes sense, life is perfect, and nothing matters but the love we have in our little family. The love we have, centered on Christ, is all we need in life. With that we are strong enough to venture our way through the world and be stronger in the end.

Life has been a little crazy. Dan has hardly had five minutes to relax up until yesterday. He has been out of town for the past two weekends, leaving me a lone woman in the wilderness. My shotgun skills are now up-to-date (just in case), I learned that I may not leave the lights on in the car for ten measly minutes while I feed my unhappy, bawling baby or it will die twenty minutes out of town in the back corner of a dark parking lot where the semi drivers sleep and I must trek into the gas station to ask a complete stranger to help me (don't ward a family from the ward just happened to be there), I got caught up on the Bachelor (my guilty pleasure), and ate instant mashed potatoes for every meal. Dan was at MEPS (Military Entrance Processing Station) in Montgomery. Yes, for the Navy. The Navy?! The Navy. We are pursuing the Health Professions Scholarship in the Navy and the Air Force (shh, don't tell our recruiters). Dan was put up in the fanciest hotel (potential Officer treatment), woken up at a sunshiney 4:00 AM, and had to waddle on his knees in his underwear for a crowd, obtain a urine sample with his five closest strangers while standing on a line of tape and being carefully watched, and other fun things. Oh, the things we do. We also sent in our official acceptance to VCOM!

Life is the biggest adventure. We love it.

Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk Part 1 // Jude's shots

In my researching on breastfeeding, I found an awesome article on breastfeeding by the American Association of Pediatrics. It should be required reading for every mother! I had done a lot of research before the baby was born, but I wish soo bad I would have read this before I had Jude. I will be going through the article one section at a time and discussing it so we can be well-informed and backed up by a reliable source when we go in the hospital. Go here for the full text.



"INTRODUCTION


Extensive research using improved epidemiologic methods and modern laboratory techniques documents diverse and compelling advantages for infants, mothers, families, and society from breastfeeding and use of human milk for infant feeding.


These advantages include health, nutritional, immunologic, developmental, psychologic, social, economic, and environmental benefits. In 1997, the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) published the policy statement Breastfeeding and the Use of Human Milk.


Since then, significant advances in science and clinical medicine have occurred. This revision cites substantial new research on the importance of breastfeeding and sets forth principles to guide pediatricians and other health care professionals in assisting women and children in the initiation and maintenance of breastfeeding."


"Child Health Benefits


Human milk is species-specific, and all substitute feeding preparations differ markedly from it, making human milk uniquely superior for infant feeding. Exclusive breastfeeding is the reference or normative model against which all alternative feeding methods must be measured with regard to growth, health, development, and all other short- and long-term outcomes. In addition, human milk-fed premature infants receive significant benefits with respect to host protection and improved developmental outcomes compared with formula-fed premature infants. From studies in preterm and term infants, the following outcomes have been documented.


Infectious Diseases


Research in developed and developing countries of the world, including middle-class populations in developed countries, provides strong evidence that human milk feeding decreases the incidence and/or severity of a wide range of infectious diseases including bacterial meningitis, bacteremia, diarrhea, respiratory tract infection, necrotizing enterocolitis, otitis media, urinary tract infection, and late-onset sepsis in preterm infants. In addition, postneonatal infant mortality rates in the United States are reduced by 21% in breastfed infants.


Other Health Outcomes


Some studies suggest decreased rates of sudden infant death syndrome in the first year of life and reduction in incidence of insulin-dependent (type 1) and non–insulin-dependent (type 2) diabetes mellitus, lymphoma, leukemia, and Hodgkin disease, overweight and obesity, hypercholesterolemia, and asthma in older children and adults who were breastfed, compared with individuals who were not breastfed. Additional research in this area is warranted.


Neurodevelopment


Breastfeeding has been associated with slightly enhanced performance on tests of cognitive development. Breastfeeding during a painful procedure such as a heel-stick for newborn screening provides analgesia to infants."

Analgesia = pain relief! How amazing is that? After reading that I was just even more in love with breastfeeding. This article is written for pediatricians and I'm sure most all pediatricians have read it. Then why do they not encourage mothers to breastfeed while their babies are getting their heel pricks and other painful procedures in the hospital? Probably out of inconvenience. That's bothersome. If we, as mothers, are informed we can request, and demand, this if necessary. Maybe it will be commonplace and more accepted in health care.

Jude has his two-month appointment last week. Which means.... shots. Ugh. Many mothers dread this because it's so hard to see our babies so distraught. After reading this article, I knew that I wanted to breastfeed while he was getting his shots. I wasn't sure how that would be accepted by the staff, but I was already prepared to do it and defend my rights if necessary.

The doctor left and said the nurse would be in soon to give him his shots. I decided to just start breastfeeding and that way I would already be doing it when she came in. She came in and was totally understanding. She had no opposition to it and was willing to do whatever I thought would help Jude. He was contently eating when she started her first of the five shots. FIVE. Separate. Shots. He let out a blood-curdling scream and was so red in the face I thought he might burst. I had to pat him a little bit to get him to breathe again and he was pretty worked up for a couple minutes. Once he calmed down, I was right there to breastfeed him and any mother knows nothing makes a baby happier or more content than that. I know he certainly still felt pain but I think it was, if nothing else, comforting for him to be able to nurse as soon as he was calm enough too and feel that safety in mother's arms.

Five shots. Five bandaids. Yuck.

The article clearly states that breastfeeding is superior to formula. Many may think that because we live in a such a modern world and science has come such a long way, they have made formula to be just as good as breast milk. The commercials make it seem like formula might even be healthier for our babies development. We must know that breast milk truly is best, and nothing else can come close to it when it comes to the healthiest nutrition for our babies.

I know sometimes mothers can not breastfeed or try their hardest and have to stop. My point in this is for us to be informed and to try our hardest to breastfeed as long as possible and not stop for convenience purposes, lack of knowledge, or just because we have reached our year mark.

breastfeeding what?!

I knew very little about breastfeeding before I had Jude. I just knew I wanted to do it because I had heard it is the best for the baby. I knew a little bit about the colostrum and that it gave them good nutrients and antibodies. I knew I wanted to breastfeed to decrease the chances that Jude would have allergies/asthma. I knew that you breastfeed exclusively for six months and with other food for a year, ideally. And I had had some mothers tell me that it is hard and doesn't always come naturally so not to expect it to.

I have learned so much since then and I am so glad. I feel like the average person is underinformed about breastfeeding, maybe I feel that way just because I was. I have so much more to learn, but have found it so interesting and have been doing a lot of research. I have been eternally grateful to the mothers who have helped me and I would love to help someone else. Even if only one mother-baby pair benefits from all this, I know it is worth it! I am going to do several posts on different aspects of breastfeeding in my attempt to increase awareness in my small circle.

After I had the baby at the hospital, the nurses kept asking me... "Has you milk come in yet?" I would reply, "No.. not that I know of..." They would then just simply say "okay" or "have you felt any tingling in your breasts?" I just told them I hadn't and that was the end of the conversation. I really had no idea what to expect. The colostrum was no big deal. It really didn't have any side effects or anything funky or unexpected so I really didn't know what was coming.

The day I got home from the hospital, a Saturday, "my milk came in." And there was no way I could not know it! My breasts were completely engorged. I didn't know it at the time, but Jude had jaundice and he was hardly eating anything so they just stayed engorged. I did not understand the supply/demand system at that time so didn't know I should have been pumping. I also didn't realize he wasn't eating enough (see previous post). I had no idea what was normal and what wasn't.. My mom and dad had ordered me a breast pump but it wouldn't get here for another week. By Sunday, I was completely desperate and had Dan run to Target to get me one of those hand pumps. That was painful. And unbearable. I probably only did it twice.

We had an appointment with the lactation specialist on Monday... by then I was completely desperate and beaten. I was worried about Jude because he would either be in hysterics or totally lethargic every time I tried to feed him and I was just so confused. I walked into her office with a page full of scribbled notes of questions and worries and things to ask her. Mary McAteer, IBCLC (Internationally Board Certified Lactation Consultant), saved my life. I call her my angel and hugged her and cried out of love and am eternally indebted to her and I let her know it! She told me Jude had jaundice at that's why he wasn't eating (I felt horrible). She showed me one of their breast pumps and how to use it (finally... relief!). We had to bottle feed Jude for the next couple weeks until the jaundice cleared up. So I rented the breast pump and pumped all his milk for him every two to three hours so he could still be breastfed.

It has all worked out since then! It was not easy, but we got him back to nursing. (He was too used to that high-flowing bottle buffet) and he is doing well. For a while, I thought he would never breastfeed again.

Moral of the story...

After I got home and my milk came in, I could not believe no one had warned me. The nurses so carelessly asked if my milk had come in yet but did not explain what to expect or what would happen or how to regulate it or anything. (In their defense, they might have told me all this and I was just so overwhelmed and sleep deprived I don't remember it). I felt so unprepared and underinformed and had no idea how to handle the engorgement or the milk dripping and leaking out all the time or the pain or awkwardness of it all or just what to do at all! I did not know that milk is on a supply and demand system. The more that is used, the more your body makes. If it is not used, your body will stop producing it. (It's really amazing, isn't it?!)

Not everyone needs a breast pump, but I sure have. I wish someone would have told me that I might really need a breast pump. If for whatever reason your baby cannot nurse (like jaundice, which many babies have), then you need to pump or you will lose your milk supply. I did not really understand why I needed a pump so I figured I would just buy one whenever I ended up needing it. But when I needed it, I needed it, and I didn't have it. Since they are pricey and some people don't end up needing one of their own, I would recommend to rent one from the hospital and have it on hand for when you get home just in case you need it. If you end up needing one, you can purchase one.

I need one because I will be going back to work at the end of this month and I need to pump to keep my milk supply up. I have been pumping quite frequently so I can make plenty of extra milk for Jude to have. When I go back to work, he will have a plenty of breast milk that Dan can feed him with a bottle. I want to there to always be enough for him so he can have breast milk exclusively. (I will do another post about that later.)

So, women... do your research and be prepared! The more educated you are, the greater the chance that you will breastfeed longer because you will prepared for how hard it may be, you will know what to expect a little bit more, and you will have a better understanding of how important it is! Breastfeeding is such a huge part of having a baby. Newborns breastfeed 8-12x/day all throughout the day and night. It has been one of the hardest things I have ever done but also the best and most rewarding.

I love for this to be a place for us to share experiences and encourage each other! :)