I was raised in a quintessential home with a loving family
and anything I could have every wanted. I did not go through a lot of difficult
challenges or very hard things. This is great, of course. I am so grateful for
my loving family and the wonderful childhood that was a gift to me and it
shaped me into who I am today.
I got married and starting working and life continued to be
fine and dandy. Of course, there were challenges, but overall I was able to
deal with everything and maintain my naturally happy-go-lucky attitude.
Then I became a mother. And my child had extreme food
allergies linked to an autoimmune disease and asthma. Along with some other
challenges, those first couple years of motherhood were tough for me. My
perfect little world was rocked. Then my second little boy was born, my oldest
son was still not healthy, we had just moved to Texas away from family, and we
were dealing with other challenges. (Aren’t we all?!) I was trying to keep it
all together. I was trying to be that perfect mother and take care of my
children and do all those things I felt I was supposed to be doing. I was started to taste a little dose of that
thing called life.
I wasn’t succeeding. I was flailing with my head barely above
water, realizing I thought I knew how to swim but I didn’t. I was madly in love
with my two little boys, but wondered, “how does one person do all this?” I
would talk to my mom on the phone about how hard
it all was and just in an overall quandary about how I was supposed to make all
this work. She felt for her daughter and wanted to help, so she would come out
and visit every few months. I was stressed and busy and worn out and tired, and
then my mom would come and everything was better and easier and I could relax a
little bit again. I would go to the grocery store alone while she stayed home
with the boys and I would enjoy a salad from the salad bar. I would go to the
library and make lists of how to try to do all that I wanted to do, that I was
currently nowhere near. Then she would have to leave and the day she left I was
stressed again. Was I missing some piece of the puzzle!?
We would go on a little family trip and I was APPALLED at
how much time and effort it took to prepare for the trip and just be on the trip. I kept thinking, “my
parents did all this for every trip we went on?!”
I was waiting for life to get easier. It felt like every single thing I had to do was more
difficult that what I expected. Everything took longer. Nothing was quick and
easy. I thought that if I could just be a little more efficient or work a
little harder or manage my time a little bit better, then I would be okay. I
would be able to do all that I needed to do, and take care of my children, and
provide them healthy meals, and teach them, and love them, and balance it all…
and not be so stressed all the time
and just be happy.
I don’t remember exactly when it happened, that things
changed. I know it didn’t happen all at once. It happened slowly as I tried to
figure out the formula. I asked one friend “how do I do it all?!” and instead
of telling me how to try to make myself more, she told me to make “it all”
less. I didn’t have to give my kids a
bath every night. I didn’t have to
dress them in matching pajama sets every night and change their outfits into
day clothes every day.
I didn’t have to “do
it all.”
I had been asking myself the wrong question. Instead of
asking, “how do I do it all?” I needed to ask, “what is most important for me
to do? At the end of the day, what really
matters? What can I stop worrying about?”
It happened as I read books that gave me a new perspective
on motherhood and life. I read about mothers in other cultures and realized the
standard American way of motherhood was not only not the only way, but also not
necessarily the best way. There is no
“best” way. We are all just doing our
best and we all have our strengths and weaknesses.
It happened as I turned to God and was inspired by
incredible friends who helped me see better ways. I read one parenting book
that really opened my eyes and helped me. It is (more than) okay to let your
children struggle through things. It is okay to let them work their way through
things. It is not my responsibility as their mother to prevent every tear and
every skinned knee along the journey of childhood, but that doing so would in
fact rob them of the growing and learning they so desperately needed.
It happened as I realized I wasn’t doing my children any
favors by always putting myself last. I realized my emotional, mental,
physical, and spiritual health was of utmost importance to the well-being of my
entire family. I had to learn to be a little more selfish. It is okay to do
what I want to do sometimes. It is okay to develop my own hobbies and talents.
It is okay to let my children watch TV when I really need a nap. It is okay to
let my husband put my kids to bed so I can go out for a girls night. It is okay
to feed my kids cereal for dinner. It is okay to get a babysitter and actually
go out on a date with my husband. And most importantly of all, IT’S OKAY TO NOT
FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT. We give our all to our families, let’s carve out little
breaks for ourselves here and there. And would it be absurd to not let our whole
break be ruined by guilt and worrying about our kids the whole time?!
It happened as I learned to let it go, just let everything and anything go that I could. I
stopped trying to be perfect. I stopped trying to create a perfect life for my
children. I stopped trying to be the mother that I thought I was supposed to
be.
And everything started to change. My stress levels went
down. My joy in life went up. I grew in my desire to improve myself, develop my
own hobbies, and take care of myself. I stopped waiting for life to get easier
and I realized, it won’t.
(This was all actually very timely because shortly after I
got pregnant with twins and those lessons because more valuable than I ever
realized!)
Life will always be hard. If it’s not this stress or worry,
it will be something else. I realized I couldn’t wait for my mom to come help
me to be happy and carefree. I had to learn to find joy and peace and happiness
in the midst of the trials of life. You know those people that are so happy and
have great marriages and are great parents and seem like they have just figured
it out? I used to think it was because they were dealt an easy hand, or they
just married the perfect guy, or they just had perfect kids, etc. I have
realized that those people just chose
to make it work. They chose to be happy. They chose to put the time and work
into their marriages and families and their priorities to be happy and satisfied
with the life they have created.
I finally ACCEPTED that life was going to be hard every day
of my life, and that was okay. And in reality that was the way I wanted it. A
woman who is progressing and pushing herself and growing and learning and becoming
the best version of herself is not going to have it easy. Now I expect life to
be difficult. I expect setbacks. So when they happen, I just smirk and move on.
When Abraham spills his freshly roasted vegetables or his smoothie all over the
floor, I don’t mind. I knew it was going to happen! If not today, another day.
I know I’m going to be tired. I know I’m going to have difficult days. I know
there are going to be moments when all four of them are screaming, but I’m just
okay with it all now. It’s all part
of the beautiful mess of motherhood.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself for being so busy with
little kids. Like, “WHEN DO I EVER HAVE A MOMENT TO MYSELF?!” ----> In ten
years, move on. I stopped being a martyr. “I’m just so tired. The kids kept
waking up last night…” ----> You signed up to have these kids, so if you’re
tired, do what you need to do to get some sleep, stop complaining, and move on.
For so long I tried to FIGHT IT. I tried to fight the fact
that life was hard. It wasn’t until I accepted it and embraced it that I have
been able to find peace. My house doesn’t have to be picked up for me to enjoy
the five minutes of peace I have while the babies are sleeping and the boys are
playing quietly. Instead of busily picking everything up, I’m going to take
these precious few minutes and do something for myself, or just sit and enjoy
my kids. I have accepted that my house will be messy for the next fifteen years
and I’m okay with that! I’ve accepted that the hardest things in life bring the
greatest rewards and if I just stop complaining and give these kids and this
life I have created EVERYTHING I’VE GOT, I won’t have any regrets. I have stopped
waiting, wishing, and hoping for an easier tomorrow, when “the kids are a
little older.” I have realized that the only way to feel better is to do the
work you can do and at the end of the day be happy with what you’ve got…
difficult days, disasters, and all.
Books referenced above:
How Eskimo’s Keep Their Babies Warm by Mei-Ling Hopgood
Bringing up Bebe by Pamela Druckerman
Hands Free Mama by Rachel Macy Stafford
Love and Logic Magic for Early Childhood by Jim Fay and
Charles Fay
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