Missing/Motherhood

I miss Jude. I spent the entire day with him minus a 1.5 hour nap, but i miss him. So much that I've cried over it a couple times today. How can I miss someone I'm not apart from? Any other mother of more than one probably knows...

I miss Jude as my baby. He was my everything, my world, my heart and soul was directed as his utter contentment. And now, as hard as I try, I can not give him the love and time and attention I once did. At first it was all roses and he was adjusting well and I was adjusting well and we were all just perfect... and then I kind of got a reality check and just started missing him. I used to pick him up and he was just my baby. He didn't feel heavy or huge. Everything he said was to die for... cutest thing that has ever been said. Every move I made seemed to be for him. And now, I know it's a combination of this and also just him being two, but he is not only not my "baby" like he once was, but he has a mind of his own. It seems like a lot at once. He really is adjusting very well, but he is reacting to this change like any toddler would. He misses me. I miss him. He wonders why. I wish he wouldn't yell "AWAKE!" In Abraham's face and wake him up because I don't just want Abraham to sleep, I want to cuddle and spend time with just Jude so bad! I miss him! His vocabulary is sprouting like a dandelion on a hot and humid South Carolina day. He plays by himself all the time. He is learning everything and anything and calls me by my first name and loves nursery and I think I just got hit with the rude realization that he's growing up. He's getting bigger. He's maybe not my little baby anymore?! Okay, he still is. But WHAT HAPPENED? And in an instant it seems! He'd grow up with or without a little brother. But he is a big brother now and that just adds to it all.

"Jude insisted we wear hats..."

Motherhood is serious business, people. You just haven't the slightest idea what you're getting into when that first little baby is born. (Or the second.) We don't realize we are going to fall ever so deeply in love. And it will hurt sometimes. It is so hard because we love so much. And I don't think it gets easier. But it does get better. Because we grow more and love more with every day that goes by.

When Jude was born I remember feeling a sadness that he wouldn't be my newborn forever, but I quickly realized it really does just get better. I feel like I love him a million times more now than I did then. But I don't know, maybe it's just different. I don't feel that sadness with Abraham now because I have a greater perspective and know this great love I have for him will only grow. 

Here's to being grateful for and enjoying every stage. And moms, have you gone through this? Let's talk. I'd love to hear your experiences!

one month of abraham.

Our big little baby Abraham has been alive for one month... Mind. Blown. To think that it was one whole month ago that I was walking down our staircase in that big blue moo moo... pregnant (and soon not to be) is beyond my comprehension. And that he has been with us for one whole month?! In a way, it seems like forever that I've known that little face (maybe because he looks just like Jude did?!) and on the other hand I can't believe I have slept with him and nursed him and hugged him and kissed him thirty whole days in a row.

Picture of the month.

#1: Mommy. All he wants. All he needs.

The end.

I've said this before and I'm planning on saying it a million more times, but he is special. Special to me. And just special in his own right. He is the most calm, content little baby you've ever known. (Example: We had many errands to run this morning. So I strapped him into the car seat and off we went. We left at 8:50 and got home at 11:50 and he was sound asleep in that car seat the entire time. We then got home and I nursed him, gave him a bath, changed his diaper, nursed him again... and he has been asleep in his swing for another hour and a half and still going strong.) He has remarkable head support and a serious grip for a little one. He is smiling at us lovingly and it melts our hearts. His after-bath afro is a little too good. And he is quickly becoming his big brother's best little friend.

Being the mother to two has taught me so much already. It is absolutely beautiful. I have grown and learned to love and learned a lot about letting things go. It is refreshing beyond expression and only fitting that spring is upon us. I feel a rekindled love for life and my precious family and what really matters. I am literally brought to tears while playing with Jude at his "mountain" or watching my husband play with the boys as I contemplate my many blessings and wonder how my life has turned out so good.

We went to church as a family for the first time this week. It was a deep breath of fresh mountain air to be at church for the full three-hours and have my dearest three there with me. The boys even matched and the cuteness was a little out of control...

"The cough and cry"

kisses&giggles.

Abraham is ten days old. He is laying here asleep on my left arm and Jude is asleep in the next room over and has been for almost three hours. Since my mom is here, I was able to go and meet Dan for lunch. He is my partner. I'm so proud of how hard he is working in school and so much more proud of the righteous patriarch he is. I came home and put Jude to sleep while Abraham slept in his swing. Jude warmed up in a warm bath and did his usual crash-into-the-bean-bag-chair-while-all-wrapped-up-in-his-towel routine. It's his favorite. And mine! He laid on his tummy with his little hooded towel and I just wrapped my arms around him and hugged and kissed him and he giggled. I got him dressed and we read a couple stories we checked out at the library yesterday on our date. ;) We then laid together, so close, in the warmth of our handmade teepee. He turned to me and said "a kiss!" and gave me a big kiss on my lips, then my cheek, then my lips, then noseys, then ears, then eyes, then lips. We were both just giggling by the end. I love him so deeply. Every day he finds a million more ways to engrave himself deeper and deeper on my heart. I marvel a the little boy he is becoming.

I am mesmerized by this little ten pound boy of mine. He is the angel child. He sleeps all day and all night. He loves to nurse and I so appreciate it!

I have felt so much better these last couple days. I am just happy and so grateful. I know things will get crazy when my mom leaves, but I want to try to prepare now and just focus on my little family. Things will be undone and out of place and unorganized and a "mess" (as Jude always says). Babies will be crying and toddlers will be cranky and Mama will be tired and cranky, but these are special times I need to cherish.

My time is most well spent cuddling with my newborn and giggling with my toddler.

Like I've said before, we're very serious about our kisses around here!

one week.

What an amazing whirlwind of a week it has been! There is so much, so much, to say! Right now I want to focus on this incredibly precious little Spirit that has joined our family. He has changed our lives with his precious little heart. One week ago today, last Sunday night, I was still in an altered state of reality, somewhat in shock of what just occurred. No amount of preparation or reading or praying or Hypnobabies or anything else could have prepared me for my natural birthing experience. Words are like a handful of sand thrown into an ocean of feelings and thoughts that can and never will be adequately expressed. And that's okay. I have an incredibly special bond with this little angel who didn't come easy and taught me a lot about myself. He wiggled his way right into my tummy, enjoyed his highly-nutritious placenta, and coyly gave his mama an extra fifty pounds to keep him comfortable for the 41 weeks and five days he spent there.

This little boy of mine has the most peaceful little demeanor. He has a very mild and content temperament, but also has a strength about him and is unusually alert for a baby his age. He had a perfect latch and has nursed like a champion minutes out of the womb and hasn't stopped. He likes to sleep by his mama all night and no where else and I don't mind. The first two nights home I tried to put him back in his bassinet after he nursed and that was not a winning battle. By night three I just accepted it and realized it was actually quite lovely to sleep next to my baby all night. I usually try to sit up and nurse him in the cross-cradle because that's best for babies learning how to nurse, but sometimes we just nurse side-lying and he eats it right up. We get a little sweaty. Who knew it would be miserably hot here in February?!

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way an indicator of real life. We had a family photo shoot on Friday and this was taken then. We don't normally coordinate and naturally look that peaceful and made up. :)

I had to stay at the hospital for two nights due to postpartum hemorrhaging and it felt like days on end. I was so elated to be wheeled out of that hospital and feel the sun on my face on that Tuesday afternoon with my circumcised baby and my non-transfused circulatory system. The first couple days home are kind of a blur of short spans of sleeping intertwined with diaper changes, cord cleaning, not making it to the bathroom (or even close), Symphony bars, headaches, squirt bottles, lovely dinners made by my mama, nursing, cuddling with my new little angel, and an ill-attempt at taking care of a post Mogen-clamp circumcision. I remember looking in the mirror for those few days and being frightened by my dangerously pale and yellowed skin.

Welcome to real life! I did not apply or fix my make-up before any pictures, obviously. I want to portray birthing and motherhood as it is naturally and embrace the beauty in that.

I feel more and more like myself and enjoy my sweet little boys more and more every day. I can't imagine Jude adjusting any better to the addition of a new baby. I'm sure it helps that Mimi has been giving him all the attention I haven't been able to. He loves "Abe!" and likes to help me care for him, but most the time he just does his own thing. He has actually just very naturally become a lot more independent since our little baby came. He spends more time playing alone with his "TRAC-TOR!" that he made out of his wooden train and his other little games he makes up. He has been a little more sensitive lately. The only "tantrum" he threw was when we first tried to put Abraham in his swing. That lasted for about ten minutes and now he has no problem. He is such a sweet little boy and I only love him more now that his brother is here.

much needed Daddy time

The father of the household got a head cold the day we got home from the hospital and wasn't really able to help take care of Abraham at all. He also had missed two tests that Monday and Tuesday and had to make them up on Thursday and Friday so he was so busy studying. That was the hardest part of those first few days home for me. I missed having him by my side because he was right there by me the whole time at the hospital. Thankfully, he has started to feel better and is back to his normal loving, sweet self. I missed him! (He was kind of zombie-like for a few days) It has been one of my greatest joys to see him come into his own as a father and love these babies.

My dear mother. She has kept this family together and we are so grateful to her. She takes care of every meal, all the laundry, all the cleaning, every errand, and every other task we need her to do. She takes care of Jude fully, from his medication routine to his intricate meal/milk preparations (which can be intimidating!). She cares for us not only physically (making me take my foul-tasting Iron supplement), but loves us and takes care of us just like we are her babies.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can not imagine being more blessed. I am so grateful to be the wife to an incredibly sweet and faithful husband. I am humbled to be the daughter to the most supportive and loving parents who sacrifice everything for their children. I am brought to my knees in gratitude to be the mother to two absolutely perfect angel babies. I am blessed beyond measure. My overall love, which I thought was already overflowing, has been expounded upon and magnified exponentially. I am happier and more filled with love than I knew I could be. The arrival of Abraham has not only added the enormous, indescribable love I have for him, but because of him, my love for my husband and my precious Jude has grown so much stronger as well.

"jude, do you want a baby brother or a baby sister?"

I asked him that question the other day in the car and he kept saying "sister!" and "girl! girl!" It was hilarious. He is well-aware of the "baby" in Mommy's tummy, and soon enough he will understand he's going to have a baby brother! We are over-the-moon excited about our second little boy. We were hoping and dreaming and pining over the idea of two little boys... &our dream came true! We imagine them being the best of friends, getting into all sorts of trouble together, going on every type of adventure they can imagine, and lots of father-son camp outs, fishing trips, hikes, and ball games. Doesn't it just sound too good to be true?! I'm ruling the roost as the only lady around here for a while longer. I tease them that I am all the woman this house can handle! We have just about everything we need, too. We are just in the market for a double stroller and a little infant car seat &that is about all we need! 

Having Jude has been the greatest joy in our lives. Like, the most inexplainable, unmatchable joy we have ever experienced and we can only imagine the fun of adding another little boy to the family. I know it will be a difficult adjustment but before long hopefully they will just play together and be content! I am trying to get all the sleep I can now. (I slept just short of 12 hours last night!) We are going to do a few things differently this next time in an attempt to make things a little easier on us, and better for the baby of course! (Post on that to come later, if you're interested!)

We love you, little boy, and can not wait to hold you in our arms!