Abraham's birth story // Part two

(Read part one here.)

They couldn't get an IV started because I was dehydrated but finally got one after a few nurses and a few more sticks. They had it saline locked and were able to take the baby monitor off after a few minutes and just check his heart rate periodically per my request/midwife's orders. There's only so much I can say here about the next thirty minutes of contractions. I felt beyond all misery. The midwife hadn't gotten our message due to some answering service issues so she got late notice about my arrival. Before she arrived I remember saying, "Can we get a doctor or midwife or someone around here!?" I was so relieved to see her pleasant, familiar face and long blonde hair.

That time between when we got there and when I started pushing was intense, to say the least. I just wanted to have my baby so incredibly badly. I felt like since it all happened so fast and my doula wasn't there (although the back-up doula was) we weren't able to use the different tools and coping mechanisms we had planned on. And Hypnobabies didn't even cross my mind at this point! (In Hypnobabies defense, I had not done my preparations like I was supposed to.) I had Dan rub me with a cold (dripping wet) wash cloth. I was all but screaming at him about where and how to do it. Luckily my mom found her way to us and was able to be there the whole time. She was on camcorder duty. I remember feeling desperate for anyone to give me some relief. I rationally knew what the situation was and that no one could "help me" any more than they were (or than I would let them) but in that moment I just felt helpless. I don't really remember thinking about pain medication or being tempted by the option of it even though I was in the hospital. Probably because I wanted a natural birth so desperately and had deemed pain medication all but toxic in my mind and I knew I was close.

Before I knew it I was pushing. She told me she could see his head and that gave me the motivation I needed. The ring of fire they talk about wasn't bad to me. I was just relieved I was getting close. I pushed for thirty minutes and he was born at exactly 10:30 am. (We checked into the hospital at 9:30 am!) 

I felt utter shock when he was born. It was over. I did it. He's here. I just birthed this baby. He looked so big. And beautiful. And perfect. And he just came out of my body. I couldn't believe it. I grabbed him immediately and put him on my chest. I held him up so I could see his face and his little head just hung down. I could barely cry or do anything but hold him on me because I was slightly pooped. We delayed cutting the cord, and Dan cut it when the time came. I didn't feel that "high" some people who have natural births describe, mostly just relief! I really wanted Dan to hold him right away. He had told me not long ago that he didn't hold Jude until about an hour after he was born! I had no idea at the time but didn't want that to happen again. I wanted him to hold him skin to skin so I told Dan to take his shirt off and hold the baby. He told me he didn't want to take his shirt off (room full of women I guess) but I ever-so-kindly ordered him to and he obliged. Once his shirt was off, I handed him the baby and enjoyed watching him hold him. I took the baby back after a minute and just held him and we started nursing. He was a great nurser right away.

After a while (I don't remember how long), and at my consent, they got his measurements. When the nurses called out, NINE POUNDS FIFTEEN OUNCES!!" (they were all so excited) I felt so proud of my big baby and kind of relieved like, "Oh, good. At least I have a reason to feel so crummy!"

At that point I was getting Pitocin full speed ahead because I was hemorrhaging at a point of concern. This is the part of the story that definitely did not go as planned. Without getting into too many unnecessary details, I was loosing a lot of blood. Since the baby was so big, it was hard on my body. According to my midwife, my uterus just kind of "gave up" after he was born and was having a hard time continuing to contract to stop the bleeding. I don't care to remember all that happened, but there were a lot of excruciating bi-manual exams and fundal massages, Pitocin, Cytotec, and even a threat to go to the OR. They had to restart my IV so in the midst of getting stitched up, I got stuck about eight times! I was screaming out in pain and remember yelling, "This is unethical!" 

They were able to get the bleeding under control and after a few hours we were transferred to the mother-baby room. In the midst of all that Abraham had an impressive BM and had Dan and the nurse cracking up. We Skyped with my Dad in the midst of it all and he was, of course, just enamored with the little guy. Turns out some of my lab work results fell through the cracks upon all our changing care providers and we didn't know I was anemic. My Hemoglobin was 6.0 and my EBL was 600 mL, so now I know why I felt so rough! :)

Not quite ready to smile yet...

I was hesitant to share all this because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining, but it's our story and it's real life. It wasn't particularly peaceful but I would not change a thing. I thought long and hard about how I wanted my baby to be born. It was incredibly important to me for him to be born on his own time and in his own way. And this was his way. With him being so "late," it was only a natural consequence that he was also going to be big. I chose not to think about that as it had no merit and would only scare me.  My baby came when he was ready and I am so grateful. Here's when the story gets good again... 

He was absolutely perfect (and still is). It was pretty hard on me, but I feel my reward was a literally perfect baby. He makes it all worth it and I'd do it again for him. His Apgar scores were perfect. He was incredibly alert from birth. He has never had the slightest difficult nursing. The lactation consultant who has been practicing for over twenty years commented on how unusually alert he was at just a few hours old. She said she can always tell the natural babies from the medicated ones because they nurse so much better and have a lot less difficulty overall. My doula also said he is the most alert/strongest baby she has ever seen. He has never had reflux. He has never been inconsolable. He is rarely fussy. He did not have jaundice. He has never had any issues in the slightest and I attribute that to him coming when he was ready. My birth was far from what I expected and it took me a few days and weeks to accept all that happened and wrap my head around it all. But I would not change one aspect or part of my story because it is his story too. He is a boy all his own and made quite an entrance into the world! He is incredible. He is calm and content and completely mine. I adore him every wit. More than I could ever express. He is incredibly special to me. He has taught me so many lessons about myself and life and love. He is a strong and mighty spirit and I am humbled and grateful to be his mother.

Giving birth to this breathtaking boy was a life-altering experience for me. I learned about myself and my strength. I learned about love and the things we do for it. I gained confidence in myself as a woman and a mother. I hold these feelings close to my heart and am grateful beyond words for everything he is to me.

No big deal. He's a model.

Abraham's birth story // Part one

This pregnancy was so different. I had learned so much and was a lot more informed about pregnancy and birthing. My whole heart and soul wanted to have this baby naturally.

Disclaimer: If you are preparing for your own natural birth, I would advise you not to read your story. You deserve to be surrounded by positivity and faith, not fear! Soon you will have your own wonderful story to tell. :)

I'm going to talk more about why I so desired to have a natural birth in another post, for now I'm just going to tell the story.

My due date came and went (Tuesday, February 4). Then the next day, then the next. Before I knew it, it was Thursday of the next week and I was at my "post-dates" appointment that I NEVER thought I'd make it to! They did a non-stress test and everything was normal. I refused the ultrasound (sufficient research that it is safe has not been done) and I did not feel it was necessary. A normal pregnancy is up to 42 weeks, and I was not there yet, so I found no need to "check fluid levels" etc. I was extremely peaceful about my the health of my baby (I attribute much of that to my Hypnobabies preparation/Joyful Pregnancy Affirmations). I was relatively unconcerned about the possibility of complications and was confident that he would come in his own due time. Since the midwives I saw were still under hospital reign, they would only allow me to go to 42 weeks. My induction was scheduled for the following Tuesday. I kept waiting thinking he would come "any day now." Well Saturday came (41 weeks and 4 days) and I was really starting to worry. My induction date was only a couple days away. I really wanted him to come when he was ready, but I knew I had to try something. I so badly wanted him to come naturally and not be induced. My midwife had suggested nipple stimulation and after doing some of my own research, I found that to be the best option.

Went to the beautiful temple on my due date. It was incredibly freezing that day.

Saturday night I did that in combination with walking. I took our big red wagon across the street and took Jude and Trace on a walk around their neighborhood. My friends were teasing me about being so pregnant and taking these two boys on a wagon ride. I put Jude to bed that night and we had a precious time together. I did a blog post about how priceless our time was and my joy in being a mother. I had been wanting to do a blog post about Jude and my love for him and my overall feelings before the baby was born and I felt content once I wrote that. I had also been wanting to watch the movie, Ephraim's Rescue, for weeks in order to "pump me up" and inspire me for my birthing time. The movie depicts the story of my fourth great-grandmother, Elizabeth Simpson Bradshaw, and I am extremely inspired by her faith and draw strength from her often. I had wanted to watch it right before I went into labor. I decided that night was a good night, so my mom, Dan, and I put it on. A couple times during the movie I said, "I just felt a pressure wave type thing, but don't get too excited, it was probably nothing..." And that was that. I got my cup full of ice and went to bed. I don't remember doing this, but I had downloaded a contraction timer app and just now as I look back on it, it showed my "waves" lasting over a minute and about 2-5 minutes apart. But I had learned not to get my hopes up, so I didn't.

Jude was getting over a respiratory illness so he had been waking up in the night. I heard him crying at 5:00 so I brought him some milk and we laid together (heaven). I got back in bed but couldn't fall asleep. (It gets kind of blurry from here on out...) I was feeling some lower uterine "pressure waves"/pain. They weren't too bad at first. I walked around my very small space upstairs trying to stay comfortable. By 7:00 am they were starting to get pretty uncomfortable. I started clattering around the room inconspicuously trying to wake Dan up (without really waking him up). I just thought if I was feeling this uncomfortable he should know about it. I got in bed with him and he must have calmed me down because the contractions became difficult to determine and less uncomfortable. I got up, not wanting my labor to stop or slow down. After a little while, we decided to go on a walk outside. It was a beautiful, cool, quiet Sunday morning. I walked downstairs in my classic blue moo moo and my mom woke up. I told her nothing was going on. (Denial?) After Dan finally found his sweatshirt, we started our walk. I had been timing them with the app but we decided to leave it at home and just enjoy our walk. We were texting our doula and she wanted a more accurate count so Dan ran back and got it. They were lasting about 40 seconds and 3 minutes apart. Our regular doula had illness in her family and informed us, I think the night before, that she wouldn't be able to come if I had the baby in the next couple days. I had been texting her over the past couple days and did again this morning. She told me to call my back-up doula but I wouldn't. (Denial, still?!) While on our walk, the back-up doula, called me and just wanted to get a feel for how things were going. We walked and talked. She wasn't totally convinced I was in labor and we wanted to time things more accurately. At the end of our conversation, she told me to call her back when I was having a contraction so she could talk to me through it and hear me/get a feel for how I was doing. I told her she just did. I guess I was coping pretty well at that point. But I would have been a little too bamboozled if that wasn't "it!"

They were getting more intense, lasting about a minute and coming every 1-2 minutes. We went back home and my mom was getting up. I so kindly said, "You better get dressed if you want to come." (Sorry, Mom!) I was really feeling them at this point. I remember leaning up against the kitchen table and pacing around. Then I threw up. Dan started making the calls: the midwife, the doula, the babysitter, the hospital. There was some issue with the midwives answering service and it went to an automated answering machine. Dan left a message, unsure if it went through/to whom. I decided to go upstairs and get in the tub. I had a friend who swore that a hot bath was as effective as an epidural, if not more, and I did not want this labor to go by without trying itI I got in the hot bath and was so relaxed. My friend was right. That works. It was incredibly relaxing. The contractions were almost completely obliterated.  Between the altered state of mind I was in and the relaxing bath, I fell asleep for who knows how long. I remember worrying that my labor was going to stop because I could barely feel the contractions anymore. My mom came up after a while to check on me. I had her pour ice cold water on my face and body to cool me down and that felt so nice. I remember something clicked in my mind and I knew we needed to go. I got dressed and walked downstairs. Jude had woken up and our lovely friend, Nikki, who was going to watch Jude had arrived. Nikki gave me a big smile and I remember being unable to smile or say anything to her. I told Dan we needed to leave right away. I held Jude and gave him as many kisses as I could. I took him outside in the fresh air and held him so tight. Leaving him then was incredibly difficult, knowing he wouldn't be my only baby from then on. Tears streamed down my face as I hugged him. Dan was bustling around busily gathering all our things and getting everything ready for Jude.

We started driving and I said, "shouldn't I be listening to Hypnobabies or something?!" I tried to pull it up on the iPad but it didn't work. I threw the iPad and was grateful we live less than a mile from the hospital! My mom dropped Dan and I off and I booked it inside as Dan gathered a few things and probably reminded my mom where to park. The parking lots were all almost completely empty and it was kind of eerie in a way. I went up the elevator and remember feeling so miserable and frustrated because I wasn't even sure I was going the right away. Dan followed closely behind.

I went to the front desk and the man asked me why I was there. I looked at him with a completely disgusted look on my face and all I could manage to mutter was "BABY." He took me right back to a bathroom in triage and handed me a yellow gown with what seemed like fifteen unsnapped snaps on each arm. He told me to get undressed and put this on. I looked at him like he had lost his bloody mind (excuse my french) and he quickly offered to help me snap the snaps. I didn't even know if I could get undressed let alone don that forsaken gown. Once that task was behind me, I made my way to my bed. The nurse (I remember her being really sassy. Who knows if she really was.) asked me a couple questions and checked me. She informed me that I was at 8 cm and started bustling around. Another nurse joined her and as they were wheeling me back I heard her say, "She's 8 with a bulging bag." I was relieved but also just mad at the world.

The next little while was all a blur. Everyone started bustling around getting everything ready for me. My nurse was probably in her late 50's and spunky and spry as can be. She was also orienting a new nurse. As they were rolling me into my room and I was crying out, my nurse asked, "Do you want some pain medicine?" And I yelled, "NO!!!" She must have not seen my birth plan. ;) I got into my room and between signing a bunch of papers (most frustrating thing ever), I threw up and my water broke at the same time. Bed change, please!

I had had this vision about my birth being a peaceful, spiritual experience and I had really wanted Dan to give me a blessing at the onset of my labor. I had forgotten until now so I had him give me a blessing. Between the contractions and nurses coming in and out it wasn't exactly what I had imagined, but Dan later told me he blessed me that things would go quickly. I didn't internalize it at the time, but that was the best thing I could have heard!

(Read part two here.)

one week.

What an amazing whirlwind of a week it has been! There is so much, so much, to say! Right now I want to focus on this incredibly precious little Spirit that has joined our family. He has changed our lives with his precious little heart. One week ago today, last Sunday night, I was still in an altered state of reality, somewhat in shock of what just occurred. No amount of preparation or reading or praying or Hypnobabies or anything else could have prepared me for my natural birthing experience. Words are like a handful of sand thrown into an ocean of feelings and thoughts that can and never will be adequately expressed. And that's okay. I have an incredibly special bond with this little angel who didn't come easy and taught me a lot about myself. He wiggled his way right into my tummy, enjoyed his highly-nutritious placenta, and coyly gave his mama an extra fifty pounds to keep him comfortable for the 41 weeks and five days he spent there.

This little boy of mine has the most peaceful little demeanor. He has a very mild and content temperament, but also has a strength about him and is unusually alert for a baby his age. He had a perfect latch and has nursed like a champion minutes out of the womb and hasn't stopped. He likes to sleep by his mama all night and no where else and I don't mind. The first two nights home I tried to put him back in his bassinet after he nursed and that was not a winning battle. By night three I just accepted it and realized it was actually quite lovely to sleep next to my baby all night. I usually try to sit up and nurse him in the cross-cradle because that's best for babies learning how to nurse, but sometimes we just nurse side-lying and he eats it right up. We get a little sweaty. Who knew it would be miserably hot here in February?!

DISCLAIMER: This is in no way an indicator of real life. We had a family photo shoot on Friday and this was taken then. We don't normally coordinate and naturally look that peaceful and made up. :)

I had to stay at the hospital for two nights due to postpartum hemorrhaging and it felt like days on end. I was so elated to be wheeled out of that hospital and feel the sun on my face on that Tuesday afternoon with my circumcised baby and my non-transfused circulatory system. The first couple days home are kind of a blur of short spans of sleeping intertwined with diaper changes, cord cleaning, not making it to the bathroom (or even close), Symphony bars, headaches, squirt bottles, lovely dinners made by my mama, nursing, cuddling with my new little angel, and an ill-attempt at taking care of a post Mogen-clamp circumcision. I remember looking in the mirror for those few days and being frightened by my dangerously pale and yellowed skin.

Welcome to real life! I did not apply or fix my make-up before any pictures, obviously. I want to portray birthing and motherhood as it is naturally and embrace the beauty in that.

I feel more and more like myself and enjoy my sweet little boys more and more every day. I can't imagine Jude adjusting any better to the addition of a new baby. I'm sure it helps that Mimi has been giving him all the attention I haven't been able to. He loves "Abe!" and likes to help me care for him, but most the time he just does his own thing. He has actually just very naturally become a lot more independent since our little baby came. He spends more time playing alone with his "TRAC-TOR!" that he made out of his wooden train and his other little games he makes up. He has been a little more sensitive lately. The only "tantrum" he threw was when we first tried to put Abraham in his swing. That lasted for about ten minutes and now he has no problem. He is such a sweet little boy and I only love him more now that his brother is here.

much needed Daddy time

The father of the household got a head cold the day we got home from the hospital and wasn't really able to help take care of Abraham at all. He also had missed two tests that Monday and Tuesday and had to make them up on Thursday and Friday so he was so busy studying. That was the hardest part of those first few days home for me. I missed having him by my side because he was right there by me the whole time at the hospital. Thankfully, he has started to feel better and is back to his normal loving, sweet self. I missed him! (He was kind of zombie-like for a few days) It has been one of my greatest joys to see him come into his own as a father and love these babies.

My dear mother. She has kept this family together and we are so grateful to her. She takes care of every meal, all the laundry, all the cleaning, every errand, and every other task we need her to do. She takes care of Jude fully, from his medication routine to his intricate meal/milk preparations (which can be intimidating!). She cares for us not only physically (making me take my foul-tasting Iron supplement), but loves us and takes care of us just like we are her babies.

I am the luckiest girl in the world. I can not imagine being more blessed. I am so grateful to be the wife to an incredibly sweet and faithful husband. I am humbled to be the daughter to the most supportive and loving parents who sacrifice everything for their children. I am brought to my knees in gratitude to be the mother to two absolutely perfect angel babies. I am blessed beyond measure. My overall love, which I thought was already overflowing, has been expounded upon and magnified exponentially. I am happier and more filled with love than I knew I could be. The arrival of Abraham has not only added the enormous, indescribable love I have for him, but because of him, my love for my husband and my precious Jude has grown so much stronger as well.