I was thirty-seven weeks and three days pregnant with these
little twins of mine. My perinatologist, Dr Gordon, wanted to induce me right
at 37 weeks due to my cholestasis. I was able to get him to agree to pushing it
back a few days so we scheduled it for Friday, June 17, 2016. Although I am
opposed to inductions most of the time, I felt peaceful about my need to be
induced and finally felt ready. 6:00 on Friday morning came and Mimi dropped us
off at the hospital. I felt very calm. I had received a priesthood blessing
from Dan a few nights earlier that was powerful and reassuring and confirmed to
me in undeniable ways that I have a loving Heavenly Father who knows my heart.
Staying true to my tradition of watching Ephraim’s
Rescue right before labor, Jude and I had watched it the day before so I
could draw strength from the examples of my pioneer ancestors (one of which, Elizabeth Bradshaw, is depicted in the movie). Dan and I also
went to the temple the day before and I was touched by the words spoken there. Although
all I really wanted was to end up with two healthy babies, however they came, I
was filled with peace and faith that I would be able to have the birth I hoped
for, even though it seemed to defy all odds.
We got to the hospital and waited for a while. I read my
blessing again as we were waiting. I was wearing the same blue moo-moo that I
wore when I went in to the hospital to have Abraham. The nurse got us set up in
our room and got my IV started before her shift changed. One whole wall was windows
and I loved how the sun shined through. The day shift nurse came in and she was
a sixty-something year old lady who seemed less than enthused about the whole
situation. I was also less than amused by her lack of enthusiasm.
At 8:00, they did an ultrasound and baby B was BREECH. That
was the last word I wanted to hear. I was disappointed and confused. Why had I
felt so confident and peaceful about my birth working out so well? This was
going to greatly increase my risk of having to have an epidural and possibly a C-section (they will not deliver a breech baby vaginally).
I was bummed but tried to stay positive and hope that maybe he would move
again. (A few days earlier at my appointment he was head down.)
She hooked me up to all the monitors, one for contractions
and the two that monitored the heart rates. So I had three monitors strapped to
my super slick, super round tummy and they would not stay put. First of all,
the babies would not stay put and then the monitors themselves kept sliding off
the slippery slopes. She kept coming in and trying to get them to stay. Because
of this, I couldn’t move at all. If I moved even in the slightest they would
come off, and she would not start or increase the Pitocin if the monitors
weren’t picking up. So I had to stay completely still if I wanted to move
forward! Dr Suber, my OB, came in at 8:42 and was upset that the nurses hadn’t
started the Pitocin yet. She checked me and I was still 3 cm, 70% effaced, and
-1 station. She encouraged me to get an epidural because in the event of a
C-section, if I didn’t have an epidural they would have to put me under general
anesthesia and I would not even be awake to see my babies being born. We had
previously talked about the option of just getting the epidural placed but not
having any medication administered so I told her I would think about it.
The nurse started the Pitocin at 9:00 at a rate of four. She
increased the Pitocin by four every half hour until it reached 12. At that
point my contractions were steady enough and she felt like she didn’t need to
increase it any more. I was grateful! My nurse grew on me. She was laid-back
and gave me my space. If I had to go to the bathroom, I would just unhook
myself and go and then take my time and she wouldn’t come in and get on my
case. She would give me some time and I really appreciated that little bit of
freedom! Dr Suber told me she would come back in around lunchtime and break my
water so I was anxiously waiting. Up until that point, the contractions weren’t
too bad. I started to feel them and was rudely brought back to a remembrance of
when I was induced with Jude. It still wasn’t too bad so I knew I couldn’t be
too far along yet. Dan was by my side working on a paper he had to write for
school.
Dr Suber came in at 1:30 and broke my water. I was only four
cm so I knew I still had some ways to go. She was a little upset that I hadn’t
gotten the epidural yet, but I just wasn’t in a rush because I knew I still had
time. Things started to pick up. My nurse didn’t need to increase my Pitocin
any more because the water breaking got things moving enough on it’s own. The
next few hours I was just in my zone. I went to YouTube on my phone to listen
to one of my jams and it asked me if I wanted to download YouTube Red music
player. I agreed and it ended up being totally what I needed. I searched for my
songs and liked them and it automatically put them on a playlist and no ads!
There was a little Taylor Swift, a little Anthony Green, a little Rihanna, a
little Justin Bieber, amongst others. I had Dan’s big headphones on and was
just in my zone. Time passed quickly. I had a little paper with my “tools” on
it to help get me through the contractions that my good friend, Brittany, had
helped me write. The one that really got me through was “soft face.” Whenever a
contraction would come, I would focus on keeping my face soft and every muscle
in my body relaxed.
The contractions were getting more intense and I was
definitely using my tools and just trying to stay in my zone and stay relaxed.
I talked to the nurse about getting the epidural placed and she said she would
call the anesthesiologist. He came in a few minutes later and asked me if I had
any questions. I explained my situation to him and told him I would like to get
the epidural placed in case of an emergency but did not want any medication
administered. He seemed slightly confused but was happy to oblige me. He did
warn me that in the event of an emergency or STAT C-section, they would not
know if the epidural had worked and without that knowledge, would have to put
me under general anesthesia. There is always a risk that the epidural won’t
work so if mine hadn’t, they would not have enough time to know if it had or
not. I thought about it for a while and felt peaceful that it would be okay and
I didn’t feel like it would come to that. I told him I felt comfortable taking
that risk and did not want any medication administered.
My mom arrived just as the anesthesiologist was placing the
epidural. I had lost track of time at this point but sometime after that the
nurse checked me and I was 6.5 cm. I was still coping well at that point so I
was feeling good. I knew if I could get that far I could certainly go the rest
of the way. Things started to get real at this point. I would have Dan massage
my feet as I was getting a contraction to take my mind off of it. I had my
headphones on and would just focus on relaxing and he would rub my feet. Mom
came behind me and was rubbing my temples for a little while too. The nurse
came in around 3:45 and asked me if I wanted to get checked. I told her I
didn’t want her to because I didn’t want to be disappointed. She said she was
just going to sit over in the corner of the room. I was getting to the point
where I was thinking I couldn’t do it any more. Within a few minutes, I started
to feel the urge to push. I told her she better go ahead and check and I was 9
cm! She immediately picked up her phone and called Dr Suber, “Twins are a 9!”
She pulled out her walkie-talkie and starting summoning the troops to help her
wheel me into the Operating Room and get things set up. (I had to deliver in
there in case of a C-section.) Dan had gowned up into his white suit and donned
his surgical hat. My mom wasn’t allowed to come in just because there were
already going to be so many people in there. I was pushing as they wheeled me
in and just praying it would all be over soon. We got into the OR and I had to
slide myself over to the miniature stretcher they needed me to be on. Things
kind of turn in to a blur at this point but I’ll do my best to remember!
As they wheeled me in, with my legs in the birthing
position, there was a man in his thirties waiting in the OR room at the end of
my bed. I introduced myself and asked his name because it was just a little
awkward. He introduced himself as the OR tech and I sound found out his job was
to prepare the area and keep everything clean down there. I obviously didn’t
care that much at that point but thought it was an interesting employee choice
and felt kind of bad for him for all he was about to experience.
Before I knew it I saw Dr Suber was standing at the bottom
of my bed. I was pushing and as she put on her gloves, she said something like,
“there’s the baby!” That was good to hear. I pushed a couple more times and
there was Baby A! He was born at 4:25 pm. They put him right on my chest and I was
just in shock by this little man! He looked nothing like my other two babies! I
had expected another little Jude and Abraham and was surprised to see a new
little face! I held him up to get a good look at him. He was not crying so I
started patting on his back. I did not want them to take him away from me.
I
was pretty unaware of what was going on down there and don't remember any details of how I felt. There were literally fifteen
people bustling around the OR so it was chaotic. Apparently baby B was
transverse at this point. Dr Suber stuck her arm up to her elbow up there and
grabbed him while the other doctor manipulated his body from the outside. Dr
Suber broke his water and flipped him to head down. They were having trouble
getting a heart rate on baby B and the doctor was getting frustrated. They
ended up putting something on his head that was able to get his heart rate. The
doctors said something about how baby B’s heart rate was lower than they wanted
it to be and I needed to push now or they would have to do a C-section. The
assisting doctor, Dr Hahn, was yelling at me “Push! Push! You can do this!” I
didn’t feel an urge to push at that point, maybe because he hadn’t descended
down the birth canal yet. At this point I was still holding Baby A. So now I’m
on this miniature stretcher that has no handles or side rails or anything to
get a grip on and I’m holding my newborn baby and they want me to PUSH. I
kindly asked if someone could hold the baby so I could actually push! I said I
was afraid I would squeeze him and that got the nurse’s attention so one of
them ran over and grabbed the baby. I grabbed Dan’s hand on one side and
another lady’s hand on the other, pushed with all I had, and after a few pushes,
baby B was born at 4:36 PM, eleven minutes after his brother.
This little babe was a carbon copy of Jude and Abraham at
birth so when I saw him I thought, “I know you!” I held him for a few minutes
before they took him to weigh him. I was okay with it because I was so worn
out.
Relief and exhaustion were my two most overwhelming emotions
at that point. I wished it was over but unfortunately much still needed to be
done. This is the part of natural birth where I feel like you should be done
and then they have to stitch up and do that fundal massage like there’s no
tomorrow. The placentas were fused together so they came out together after
baby B. Dr Suber was really excited to send them off for testing because of my
cholestasis. Must be a doctor thing. Dr Suber had more of an adrenaline high
than I did! She looked at me and in all seriousness asked, “How did you do
that?! How did you do that?!” I just kind of looked at her puzzled and don’t
think I even responded. How do you answer a question like that?! I don’t know,
I just did?!
After they got me all fixed up, I got in a wheelchair and
had a baby in each arm. They wheeled me back into the labor room and within a
couple minutes, Mom had brought Jude and Abraham into the room. That moment
when we were all together as a family for the first time was one of the most
special moments for me. The boys were so intrigued and excited and sweet. They
just wanted to be by the babies.
I, yet again, didn’t have that adrenaline rush or “high”
people describe after natural birth. I was too tired! I wanted to take a nap. I
was extremely grateful and humbled how everything worked out. There were about
a million things that could have “gone wrong” or just not the way I planned. I
had my heart set on a natural, vaginal birth and going into labor on my own. I
wasn’t able to go into labor on my own, but I realize now that was a blessing
in disguise and a loving Heavenly Father’s way to save me from myself. I had
talked my doctor into letting me go to 39 weeks pregnant as opposed to the
normal 37 or 38 weeks they let twin moms go. My babies were already so big, had
I gone to 39 weeks I’m afraid they each would have been 8-9 pounds each and my
delivery wouldn’t have gone so well. I can only imagine the complications and
recovery I would have had. Looking back, I am grateful for the induction as I
have had a ridiculously amazing recovery. I felt incredible within a couple days and had NONE of the recovery issues I had dealt with previously. After birthing a 9 lb 15 oz tank,
these two were easy as pie! Thanks for paving the way, Abraham!
I had felt so peaceful in the few days before they were born
that I was going to be able to have the birth I wanted. I did not have fear. Even
when it seemed to defy all odds, I felt that Heavenly Father, for some reason,
was granting me this wish of mine to have a natural birth. Besides the initial
reasons that interested me in natural birth (feeling it was best for the health
of my babies and myself), I wanted to feel.
I wanted to feel the birth of these babies that were my miracle. I wanted to
experience everything my ancestors and all mothers past have experienced. I
wanted to be able to look back on my life knowing I lived every day and every experience as much as I could. I did not
want to numb myself from feeling something that would undoubtedly be one of the
most life-changing, unforgettable experiences of my life. I knew I could do it.
I knew my body could do it. I had gained a lot of confidence in myself after
having Abraham naturally. I wanted to birth without fear. I wanted to let my
body do what I knew it could. I wanted to be brave like my pioneer ancestors. I
wanted to remember them in those difficult moments and think about their
sacrifices and what they went through and feel that in a small way I was making
my own sacrifice. I had Googled “induction without epidural” or something like
that a few days earlier and the main paragraph that popped up said it’s
extremely difficult and all but impossible. I didn’t like that. I didn’t like
that society told me I couldn’t. We, as women, are made to do this. Our bodies
are made to birth the babies we create. I want women to feel empowered by
pregnancy and labor and delivery, not fearful. I want women to gain courage and
strength and confidence by their role as childbearing women and embrace the
power we hold.
