They love me.

I just can not even begin to express how grateful I am for my boys. It is unbelievably humbling to be their mother. Motherhood is HARDCORE, people. I understand why Jesus said to be like the little children because they forgive instantly, do not hold grudges, and love unconditionally. How did I get to be so lucky to be both of their favorites? They are definitely mama's boys and I am just smitten by these two. These last few days have been stressful and unfortunately I have not been handling it as well as I wish I had. I have been impatient and definitely not as loving as they deserve! At one point, I grabbed Jude and told him I was so sorry and I love him so much. He just said, in the most upbeat, cheerful voice. "It's okay, Mommy! It's okay! I love you!" He was just completely forgiving and it was just the most sincere expression of love. I was so touched by his affection and forgiveness. I prayed and got a little sleep and had a much better day today. (And thank you to my dear husband who made and fed the boys and cleaned up dinner while I went out for a little white.) We have been playing "firemen." Abraham is "Fireman Small" (named after a book from the library). I said to Jude, "since Abraham is Fireman Small, you can be Fireman Tall!" He put his hand out and said, "no, no I'm not fireman tall. I'm medium tall. I'm fireman medium tall." So Abraham is Fireman Small, Jude is Fireman Medium-Tall, Daddy is Fireman Tall, and I'm Firemama." We crawl around the upstairs extinguishing fires and rescuing and treated the injured animals. At one point, I stopped and said, "I'm a little nervous..." And he very dutifully put down his fireman glasses and his hose/ax and grabbed me in the biggest bear hug and reassuringly said, "I'm here. I'm here. You're brave, Mama." My heart just exploded. He has the most incredible little imagination.

He is soo loving and affectionate. I am so lucky. He probably gives me about 20 kisses a day. Like sweet, soft, hold my cheeks kisses. He always wants to be by me or sit on my lap or hold my hand. He has still been a little under the weather so he is extra cuddly and I love it. A few weeks ago we were working on something and he called me honey. Something like, "don't forget this one, honey." It was so funny. And when he is helping Abraham or trying to teach him something, he calls him son. "Come get this piece, son." It's so cute. He'll say, "I Daddy's son, Abraham my son." He says words like "interesting," or "that's hilarious!" Hos memory is still surprising me. The other day I mentioned the Easter Bunny and he recounted in detail the Easter Bunny that they had at our old apartments Easter Party ELEVEN months ago and we have literally not mentioned once since!! He'll tell a story and start with, "The other day...." and then tell all about it, and then say, "When was that?"

The other day Jude grabbed my phone and clicked to make Sori turn on and he asked her, "When's Daddy going to get home?" Siri said, "I do not know who your father is." And Jude said, "It's Dan!!" They both seemed to get a little frazzled after having that same conversation over and over again. Needless to say, Siri was no help! He asks "Why?" About 50-100 times a day (or it feels like it.) the why's snowball and I oftentimes have NO idea what the answer is to his questions. "Why the construction worker moving that dirt? Where are they going to take it? Is there a wrecking ball on that crane? Whee do the construction workers live? Why can't I wear my socks outside? (Because they'll get wet.) Why will they get wet? (Because it's raining.) Why is it raining?" It goes on and on! He is so curious and smart. I love him so.

Abraham is SOMETHING else. We are so obsessed with kissing his soft, chubby cheeks. He is mischievous. He has mastered the stairs and I let him climb up and down them freely at his own will. I always have to keep the bathroom doors closed because, if left open, he will notice in a matter of seconds and book it to the toilet, lift the lid, and splash in the toilet water. He knows he is not supposed to do it and if caught in the act, he will stop and smile! When I'm reading to Jude for bedtime, I let him roam around and he will usually stay upstairs. The other day it had been a minute since I'd heard him so I went to look for him. He was all the way downstairs with his tummy on Judes tall Radio Flyer tricycle holding onto the handrails ringing the bell (over the tile). I can not leave the bike out or the kitchen stool. He is a climber and a good one! He is impressive balance and rarely falls. He surprised me a few weeks ago when I was holding him about to do a breathing treatment (croup scare) and he attempted to put the mouthpiece of the nebulizer into the canister part. Who knew?! He can (messily) feed himself with a spoon. He tries so hard to put blocks together and will be there in no time. He waves. He holds the phone up to his face to talk. He gives strawberries and will wrestle and go "aahhh" and attack you with big kisses if we are playing. He has the most scrumptious round little bottom and a close-up picture of it is the background on my phone. He LOVES the tub and has absolutely no fear. He will reach up to the shelf I thought he surely could not reach and grab the baby shampoo and be on his tip toes. He will climb and slop and slide and fall full-face under the water and pop himself right back up without flinching.

Tonight I was changing his diaper for bed and I didn't even notice he was holding Jude's water bottle. He was being extra quiet and less-squirmy and I noticed he was "taking sips" and pouring cold water all over himself. I let him for a while then after he was getting all wet I grabbed it to take it away. When I grabbed it a forceful stream SHOT out at him and sprayed him with a long stream of water right in the open eyeball. He did not flinch or whine or cry in the least. I got a good belly laugh out of that one! He loves musical instruments and will grab the kazoo and sing into it and then put it my mouth and have me sing then take his turn, then mine, and this will go on and on. He LOVES eating and it seems like he is always hungry.he has always been a garbage disposal and within the last few weeks has become more picky. Don't you dare let him see a banana without giving him one or he will have a full-fledged tantrum. "Nana! Nana!" Was one of his first words at 6.5 months old!! Jude will feed him sometimes and it is the most precious thing. Jude is such a sweet big brother and really looks out for Abraham. Abraham is definitely feisty and holds his own and will randomly hit Jude and pull his hair and it is obviously intentional! I used to say, "it's okay, Jude, babies don't know." But we're getting to the point where he definitely knows! Now Jude always says, "It's okay. Babies don't know..." For all sorts of things (like splashing in the toilet.) and now for cats and dogs and whatever else. "it's okay, Mommy. Cats don't know." Jude always recounts things that happen and he tells them in GREAT detail. It is very impressive. "I woke up. I called for Mommy. Mommy came in. I smiled at Mommy. Mommy grabbed me. Mommy asked me how was my night. I said I slept good. We came downstairs..." 

They are starting to play together more and more and it is so fun. They love their little red car and sometimes will push from behind while the other one rides.

Like I said, being their mother is so humbling. I love them so much and although I fall short, I'm trying harder to be a better mother every day. This is the hardest job, but I wouldn't change it for anything. 

Abraham, Abraham, Abraham.

There is so much to be said about my Abraham. I could write for days and days! Unfortunately, I have a few more minutes until one of my boys wake up, so I will write what I can and hopefully continue it later. I wish I was better at doing my monthly posts, but goodness... it's harder than it seems! Life has taken us over the last month and a half and not been kind! I will, maybe, get into more of that later. But we are working our way out of it and trying to enjoy the little things in life!

Abraham is truly an angelic, content little boy. My mom says that Heavenly Father sent me a low-maintenance child because he knew everything I was doing with Jude. THANK YOU!!! I am truly grateful for his mild demeanor. Here we go... everything I can think to share about my boy!

He eats anything and everything. He eats mostly everything Jude eats but we also give him Kerrygold butter and yogurt made out of raw milk. Also, some grass-fed beef and other things that Dan and I may be eating that Jude can't have at the time. He has never had a bite of baby food or grains or processed foods! He eats only organic and as close to the Weston A. Price foundation guidelines as we can. We have learned so much in the last few years with everything that has gone on with Jude. We are doing things a lot differently this time around! We are sticking with meats, vegetables, fruit, dairy, eggs, homemade bone broth and fats for now. He is always happy to eat and never turns food down. Really, he would eat and eat for hours if we let him! After a while, we just stop feeding him because he would never stop. We are so thankful for a good eater with a good appetite! If I make something for Jude and he doesn't finish it, I can always count on Abraham to finish it off. One time I made Jude some broccoli and it fell all over the floor as I was taking it to him. Because of Jude's allergies, I couldn't feed it to him so... I gave it to Abraham! He's still a great little nurser and loves to nurse, but mostly when he's tired. He doesn't love nursing quite as much as Jude did, who would have exclusively nursed for every meal had I let him!

He is a great sleeper! That is another thing I have approached completely differently with Abraham. I didn't even know what a "sleep schedule" or "sleep training" was until Jude was about ten months old! Eek! I reread "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child" when I was pregnant with Abraham and reread the applicable parts when he was a few months old. He was not an easy sleeper the first few months of life and had to sleep in my arms. We sleep-trained him at four months old and it has been great ever since! He goes to bed at 6:30 - 7:00 pm and sleeps twelve hours in his bed. I used to rock Jude for what felt like hours/nurse him for hours/rock him next to his crib while nursing standing up! (Why?!) Now I nurse Abraham in bed, take him into the bathroom where his pack n play is where he sleeps, rock him for about 30 seconds and lay him down. Once I lay him down, I will not get him again or look back. I just lay him down and leave. At first he would cry every time but now he usually lays down happily, turns on his side, and sticks his little thumb in his mouth. If he cries, he flips over onto his hands and knees and starts rocking backing forth and moans/sings to himself. It is so great. Then usually sleeps another half-hour to an hour with me in the morning in my bed. So he usually sleeps about 13 hours every night! Then he takes a nap around 10:00 and a nap around 2:00. Sometimes they are only half an hour or so and sometimes they are an hour and a half! I wish he napped longer but I know once he switches to one nap he will sleep longer. It will be so incredibly wonderful when the boys nap during  the same time. Right now they are pretty much on completely opposite schedules!

Dan watched the boys when I work and it has been so great for them. It is always such a bonding experience and I'm so glad Dan has had the opportunity to take care of them for extended periods of time. He will watch Abraham (and Jude) sometimes from first thing in the morning and then put him down for bed at night. He is such a wonderful father and I'm so grateful for him. Abraham has always been a mama's boy and sometimes didn't want to go to Dan as much. After Dan watched him more and more, he really warmed up to him and bonded with him. Here's is Dan's recollection of some of his favorite memories of watching him:

"When I get him out of bed, he just hugs me so tight and rubs the back of my neck and gives me a big squeeze. When we're playing, he'd just crawl over onto my lap and just want me to hold him and lay on me. He loves playing the guitar and every time I play the guitar for him, he gets so excited and comes over and tries to play it and dances and bounces up and down. He would want to come to me more and smile and look at me more after I watched him for those few days. He's so happy and I love teaching him how to crawl and walk and stand. He always likes looking out the back window into the backyard."

Starting around December 20, Dan worked with Abraham and he has been standing up to ten seconds by himself! Yesterday he took his first step after standing on his own! He is crawling so fast. Abraham's favorite thing to do with Jude is probably when Jude gets on his hands and knees too and chases Abraham around. Abraham just starts to giggle and laugh and crawls away as fast as he can. Sometimes when he's crawling and gets going too fast he gets ahead of himself and just plops right onto his tummy.

He is such a social little smiler. Papa calls his "smiles." Anytime someone calls his name, he looks over at them and looks into their eyes and smiles. He is such a happy, pleasant little guy. He has the biggest, darkest eye and the softest cheeks that are just heaven to kiss. When we're holding him we'll say "give me a kiss, Abe" and he'll grab your face with one hand on each side and give us a big open-mouth smooch. It is pretty nice.

We are so grateful to have this little guy in our family. He is such a special little boy and a perfect addition to our little clan. It is so fun (and sad) to see him growing so quickly and see his little personality develop.

That bond.

I've been working every night this week from about 10:45am-8:00pm. Tonight I was running behind, and I told Dan to not wait up for me to put Jude to bed. Earlier this morning I had told Jude I would be home to put him to bed tonight and we would read stories together. (To which he always replies, "a bunch?!" And I reply, "yes, a bunch." To which he replies, "In the family living room?" To which I reply, "Yes, under the lights of the Christmas tree!" And then everyone is happy.)

So Dan told me Jude was very sad that I wasn't going to be home to put him to bed. He is famous for this line... "I want Mommy put me to bed!" (And that is very literal. He's okay with Dan getting him all ready for bed but he wants me to be the one to physically lay him down in his bed. It is so funny.) He kept saying, "Mommy said she would put me to bed!!" And Dan said he was just so down. He told him I got held up at work and was so sorry. They went upstairs and after he brushed his teeth, Jude got a big frown on his face and just BURST into tears as he realized I really wasn't going to be home to put him to bed! 

My heart was literally broken and pained and when Dan told me this I could hardly take it. I showered as quickly as possible and hurried into his room. I stared at the precious little soul who made me a mother with so much love and gratitude. I gently caressed his little tummy and a little hint of a smile appeared on his face when he looked at me as his little eyes eventually opened. I scooped him up and told him that I missed him so. He mumbled a reply. We laid down in our spot in the teepee and he just melted right over me, creating the most delicious tummy sandwich. Both my arms were wrapped around him and his little face was nuzzled up so close to mine. I felt his soft, smooth breaths. I heard his little mouth smack open and shut. I grasped his little body in my arms and felt overwhelmed with the adoring love only a mother understands.

That is what waits for me when I get home. A little boy who absolutely adores me and loves his mama more than anything else. I am so humbled by our tender little relationship. I laid him back down in his bed after squeezing his little body so tight against mine. I leaned over and kissed him. He looked up at me and I told him, "I love you so much, baby." He mumbled back, "I love you." Then I caressed his little face and stole one last kiss. I all but wept inside as I looked down at that beautiful little baby!

Sigh. Working is pretty stinky, but moments like that make it all worth it.

Oh, Jude.

I can't even begin to tell you how funny you are, jude. You made Daddy and I laugh so much tonight. You were so excited when Daddy asked you if you wanted to go with him to "Bass Pro." You were more than willing to leave Trace's house and were telling everyone where you were going. Daddy told me that you were talking nonstop the entire trip. You guys called it your "date." :) he said you asked "are we there yet?" about fifteen times and you screamed out in joy when you saw Bass Pro Shops.

You were excited to tell me about your trip when you got home. You showed me the fishing line and the worms. I made a funny face when you showed me the words and you said, "they're not scary, though, Mom. They're nice. They're sleeping. They're nice to each other in there." 

It's always a process with you goingn BM at night. We usually sit there in the bathroom for at least 20 minutes (usually much longer) while I try to coax you to "push your BM out." After you (finally) went tonight, I got a quarter, nickel, and dime for you to feed your "potty pig." The penny for the potty, the quarter for the BM, and the dime was the extra special one because you didn't want to go but you were brave and you were a big boy and you went (with no squeezey at all!). So you put the penny in, put the quarter in, and then were so excited to put in the extra special dime. You excitedly grabbed it and it bounced out of your fingers and plopped right into the toilet. You had a look of shock on your face as did I. We just looked at each other for a minute and your look of concern turned into alligator tears as you literally BURST into tears. You were so upset! Daddy came running up because he was worried and after a while we consoled you enough and told you it was okay for the dime to go in the sewer system just this once. You were finally convinced it would be okay and you calmed down. 

You had slept from 1:30-5:00 this afternoon but you were still pooped and ready for bed after your busy evening! 

You are so loving and always tell me you love me, you still want to hold my hand when we walk up and down the stairs,  you give me lots of kisses and hugs every day (probably ten of each just today!). I am one lucky mama.

I saw your little boots lying on there tonight after you and Abraham were in bed and the house was quiet and my heart jumped and I smiled as j thought about how one day I will miss seeing those little turquoise boots lying around the house. I just want to bottle up my 2 4/5ths year old Jude and keep you around forever. Sometimes when j tell you you're my baby you say, "I'm not your baby, I'm a boy!!" To which I say, "you will always be my baby!!" There's no getting around it. I love you forever and ever, hundreds, to the moon and back Jude!!!

Jude says...

I just want to have a recorder on me all day Ainu can always remember the priceless things Jude says. He has the most vivid imagination and the most remarkable memory. That boy keeps me on my toes! 

Calls out to me while sitting in the bathroom yesterday, "this gentleman's wipe?" I walked in to the bathroom and he holding a Kleenex tissue. He then told me he wanted to use a gentleman's wipe (as opposed to plain old toilet paper). I still don't know where he got that!

Later that same night, he called out to me randomly, "You a beautiful Mommy."

Dan was reading scriptures with him a few nights ago and talking about how we need to try to be like Jesus. Jude said, "I not want be like Jesus." Dan asked him why and Jude told him, "I want to be like you, Daddy."

We were all standing in the kitchen we Jude said, "we're so blessed to have our own garden and grow food!"

From the back seat of the car, "Someping's on mine arm. I have stretch marks, Mommy?"

And to never be forgotten... Jude has said to me, literally 40 or 50 times today, "Mommy? I love you." "I love you, Mommy."

This boy!!!!

My babies

Oh, Abraham. Earlier today you, Jude, and I were playing in the living room. You were trying to climb up on the couch.  A realization came to me and I started to say in a distressed voice, "oh no, oh no." Jude seemed concerned and asked me what was wrong. I said, "oh no..." again and told Jude that I just realized yesterday was Abraham's eight-month birthday. I wasn't happy. I wasn't proud. I wasn't excited. I was just about to cry. Why? When? How? SERIOUSLY. MAKE IT STOP. This is getting ridiculous. It's upsetting to me because people always say, "They'll be going off to college before you know it." And unfortunately I BELIEVE THEM!!! Can I just quit my job, hire a cook and maid and spend all my time cuddling and giggling with my children? Because seriously... eight-months and almost three?! It's just rude!

Anyways, this post wasn't meant to be a downer. I just want to write some things down before they turn into a forgotten memory!

Oh, Abe. I really dropped the ball on your monthly posts and photo shoots. You are growing so fast and I couldn't keep up! On Saturday, October 11, you said "na-na" clear as day when we were feeding you a banana! We even tested you and took it away and you said it again! Daddy and I were both there and it's undeniable that you knew what you were saying! You say "mama" when you want me, and you have (maybe) said "dada" a couple times, too! You love your Daddy though. Whenever you first see him you get the biggest smile on your face and you won't take your eyes off of him. You just grin and anything he does makes you giggle. You are so smart and intuitive. You love your brother, Jude, but still get a little weary if you can't see me when you're together. Whenever you are upset or sad, though, I am the one you want! You will cry and then as soon as I'm holding you, you are better. Within the last couple weeks, you have developed some stranger anxiety. But you are still the most well-natured, peaceful little boy!

You are really mobile and can get anywhere you want to go with your army crawl. Within the last few weeks, you have started to get up on your hands and knees but you aren't real interested in it. I think because you can move so efficiently with your army crawl. You stood up onto the dishwasher all by yourself about three weeks ago. I was so excited and proud of you! We still take naps together sometimes in the afternoon and I love it soo much. You are eating a few things - organic banana/avocado/blueberries, soft-boiled egg yolks from free range, local, backyard hens, homemade bone broth, and some of Jude's turkey sausage and chicken. Sometimes sweet potatoes, too. You love it all! You have a voracious appetite and still love to nurse. You get a little upset if you sit at the table and aren't eating or if we stop feeding you before you're done. You always surprise us with how much you eat!

Whenever you do a new trick that you really had to work at like climbing over something or launching yourself onto your hands and knees, you get a big smile on your face and are so proud of yourself.

And Jude, you are...

Something.

Really something! You are incredibly smart. You have a vivid imagination. You are constantly telling made-up stories with the conviction like they just happened. You spend a lot of time just playing by yourself, usually with different household items as opposed to toys. It's either the wagon, the recycling bin, Dad's tools, the couch, our bed (your firetruck), kitchen utensils, etc. You are so creative and never get bored. You've watched TV a couple times on desperate occasion and once I told you we don't watch TV because "your brain's still developing." A few weeks later (without ever having mentioned it again), you walked into the living room and noticed the TV and asked me, "my brain's still developing?" Once I told you that it was, you just said "okay," and went on to doing something else. (You obviously wanted to watch something on TV but were okay with the fact that you couldn't because your brain was still developing.) Your memory is baffling.

A few months after our summer trip, we had rented a book from library about dolphins. We picked it up to read it and you said, "those dolphins?" I told you they were and boy did you have a story to tell.

"I went on ship. I climbed up big stairs. I saw Mimi and Papa sitting up on top. Mimi and Papa saw dolphins jumping out in water. We went Canada. We saw flags. We looked at things..."

Literally two months later after not having talked about this experience since, you recounted the whole situation to me!

You literally know the whole passage of food from when you put it into your mouth to its final resting place in the sewer system! It is so amazing and funny.

"I eat food. Goes down esophagus. Digests in my tummy. Goes in testines. Testines do peristalsis. Turns into BM. I push. Goes in toilet. Goes down pipes. Goes under street. Goes sewer system."

It's the best. Especially when you do the motion with your hand like it's squeezing down and you say over and over again, "peristalsis, peristalsis, peristalsis." It is the best.

You love Daddy so much. I have realized there is a direct correlation between how you are feeling and how much you see Daddy. If you don't see Dan for a day or two (or more!), you get a little cranky and down. And then as soon as you spend some time with him, you are back to you happy self.

You still love to talk about the moon. You love tractors and construction sites. You love roads and bridges and tunnels and trains. You love to go on walks around the loop and pull Abraham around in the wagon. You love your friends (Trace, Ella, Nathan, Sammy, Tim...lol)

Man, you two. I absolutely love you whole-heartedly, to the moon and back, forever and ever... HUNDREDS! ;) Thank you for being my babies and loving me and needing me and playing with me and giving me lots of hugs and kisses every day. You make my life complete!

"Take heart."

Conference weekend in October is one of my very favorite times of year. It marks the beginning of a magical and pleasant season filled with pumpkins, slow cooker soups, turkeys, friends, family, football, and of course- Christmas. It is my favorite time of year. Conference helps me realign my life with what truly matters and "get back to the center." (It's a stretch, but I had to quote the beloved Anthony Green.) 

Before I share my answered prayers from Conference, a little side note. As j was watching the Mormon Tabernacle Choir sing so exuberantly, I imagined Anthony Green, Max Bemis, Jesse Lacey, and the other greats standing in the MoTab Choir in the millennium singing the songs of the Restoration and...

My heart was full. (Seriously?! How great is that?!)

Okay, back to more serious things. Here is what I was blessed to receive during the few and far between moments I could half-way pay attention during Conference.

(I wrote the following the day of Conference.)

.... .... .... .... ....

Just like the single mother in the days of Christ, "feast" upon the words of Christ and he will likewise feed and nourish my children and myself.

I can not imagine a greater gift. I struggle over the daily battle of trying to nourish my children. I prepare for a meal, they eat, we clean up and then it's time to plan and prepare for the next one. There are few jobs I can imagine that are more meaningful that me spending my time truly nourishing my children. Trying to do that properly has been weighing down on my soul. I've needed help. I need help. I came to conference with that desperate plea deep in my soul for help. Although I didn't have the energy or time to really pray as fervently as I probably should have or come to conference really "prepared," it was deep in my heart and I yearned for help.

Although I had hoped my answer would come as a recipe and detailed plan of exactly what I needed to do and how to care for my child, the "answers" or comfort or guidance I needed was given to me as a quiet thought and impression. 

How can I assist my child to physically "feast" upon nourishing foods under my hands if I am not "feasting" upon the words of Christ myself? I know that as I feast upon the words of Christ consistently in my home every day, I will be guided to know how to feed my children both spiritually and physically. As I fill my home and my life with the powerful Spirit of God, I will be given the guidance I desire to know those details that I so desperately need to know. I will be made more than I naturally am and be able to do more than I naturally could to help my children. When I am discouraged and down, I can draw upon that Spirit that is abundant in my home to comfort me, lead me, and guide me to what I need to know. 

As my sweet friend said to me in Instagram after I posted about how I'd been having a hard time lately, "Take heart." (Quoting the words of Elder Holland)

I will take heart. I will move forward and not if, but when, the winds of trouble blow through my little home, I will stand strong with my two sons in my arms, unmoved and unwavering.

.... .... .... ....